Sunday, December 20, 2015

Why Do You Hesitate?

I have been practicing wife led marriage for almost two decades. By now it is as natural to me as breathing. And, yet, I look around at so many failed marriages that could be successful if the wife would only give it a try.

To understand why more wives hesitate to explore their own erotic power it is much easier to begin with those women who are more willing.

Let us begin with the naturally dominant woman. Although for reasons of biology and culture women are, on average, less dominant than men, still, overall, by sheer dent of numbers and probability, it is frequently the case that the wife's will is stronger than her husband's. You've all met, I'm sure, women who show no hesitation to voicing their opinions in mixed company. And domineering women have long been the brunt of jokes; they have always existed.

On the opposite side, there are naturally submissive men. While culture encourages men to dominate their wives even if they are weak in every other aspect of their lives, there are some men who are comfortable with the fact that they are less willful than their wives and who are happy to allow their wives to tell them what to do. Wives who sense this often step into the power vacuum and do so.

On a sadder note, there are far too many marriages in grave difficulty and on the road to divorce. Sometimes wives recognize the situation in time and open up to unorthodox methods to solve their marital problems.

But while the above may dispose a woman to exploring her erotic power, still, there is one additional essential ingredient: comfort with sexuality. Women who are confident about their own sexuality are much more willing to explore their own erotic power.

So what is holding wives back? I have identified several ideas that stand in the way of wife led marriage.

The most obvious and common is simple caution. A cautious person will prefer almost any present difficulty to the risk of losing ground. That applies ten-fold where one's marriage is concerned. Sadly, this risk aversion extends even to many women in failed marriages: they would rather go through divorce than test their erotic power.

Much of this risk aversion flows from another hurdle: tradition. Cultural tradition places women in a particular position in marriage. The old tradition held that a wife should submit to her husband. Modern tradition holds that women should aspire to equality with men. But there is no tradition of women leading men in marriage. And, further, sex in marriage is traditionally regarded as something to be kept to a minimum in the bedroom. Ironically, there is far more sexual liberation outside of marriage than within!

Then there is the desire for normality. Let's be honest, a wife led marriage is not normal. Erotic power is not normal. Everyone is not doing it. To take your marriage down this path is to diverge significantly from the herd.

And, truth be told, erotic power is a fantastical idea. An older woman, especially, will find it hard to believe that she could wield such power over her husband. It's all too easy to dismiss what you have not tried.

Moreover, culture teaches ideals and many of these ideals run counter to erotic power.

The most common ideal of marriage is the idea of romance: a woman and a man love each other and dedicate their lives to each other in a bond of mutual respect and admiration. Erotic power upsets this ideal by enabling the wife to have a disproportionate influence in the marriage and over her husband. And while people happily romanticize seduction into marriage they are shocked at the idea of seduction within the marriage.

In a similar vein, a wife may recoil at erotic power out of deference to her husband's autonomy. Modern ideals of human autonomy discourage coercion and celebrate the unencumbered life. Live and let live. A wife may insist, for example, that her husband should freely choose to do things for her, not be coerced or seduced into it. Erotic power is, after all, a power and, as the belief goes, coercive.

Perhaps the most formal impediment to erotic power is the egalitarian ideal. After struggling for sexual equality for decades women are naturally hesitant to throw that away for a position of dominance in their own marriage. They want to be equal partners with their husbands. How can you be equal to someone you dominate?

Lastly, sexuality is a very difficult subject for many women for a variety of reasons. Many wives are, quite frankly, uncomfortable with their own sexuality and with the difference between men and women in this regard. They would much rather relegate sex to the bedroom where it is kept in a small box only to be opened when absolutely necessary. Wives tend to be far more comfortable nagging than seducing.

And, yet, you would have a very difficult time finding a wife who doesn't, in her heart, believe that her marriage would be far better if only her husband would listen to her more often. She would be happier and, truth be told, he would too. If only he would do what she says!

Wives recognize that, in many ways, they are better decision makers than their husbands. They want to have more control over their marriages and even over their husbands. But for the above reasons they are totally uncomfortable with their own desire for control. They deny, avoid, and suppress it and suffer the consequences.

My hope is that in identifying the various reasons that you may hesitate to explore erotic power in your marriage I may prompt you to rethink your own preconceptions and ideals.

After all, how valuable can an idea be if it destroys your marriage?

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Melting Objections

I understand that some wives may not agree with or believe in using their erotic power in
the extreme.  I accept that and believe marriage and relationships themselves are personal and
complex.  If a woman is not comfortable with this or it simply does not suit her or her marriage
I get it.  What I share here is just my own perspective on my own marriage as well as my own beliefs about men and women. For me and my husband me holding the power works.

In attempt to keep this R rated - I will not be too explicit here.  While I have always been somewhat "in charge" in my marriage -- sexually and otherwise, I have experimented as I have learned more. I have restricted my husbands sexuality in many cases and sexual reward is fairly infrequent and directly connected to compliance and "good" behavior.  I expect some might find this manipulative or out of sync with "equality" in marriage. Frankly, it may be.  I think though what makes it work is that it works for both of us and keeps us both quite happy and content.

At this point a common male complaint, wife nagging, has been virtually eliminated in our marriage. I noticed some time ago that if he objects to a request or chore - me connecting his compliance to the prospect of his satisfaction takes care of that.  Noticing this I have experimented with it in "the extreme".

Now I keep an eye on him for signs of upset or objection to a chore list, a social engagement, a decision I have made.  Sometimes this is at the moment of the request itself.  A recent example was me sending him out for a Lowes and Pharmacy trip at a time he did not anticipate.  He did not give a big objection but I saw the look on his face and some irritation bubbling up.  

An older style of mine might have been to "talk" or "explain" or, or, or, or.  Then he would talk or explain (or complain more likely).  I have simply omitted some of that banter that more often than not goes no where.  I would always "win" but he'd be grumpy.  He would comply out of fear of me being "mad".  While I do not mind him being (a little) scared of me at times I would much rather him be motivated by a desire to please me - versus fear.

Now I have employed the practice of ceasing the "talk".  I simply call him to me (sometimes I will give him the sexy sort of index finger summons motioning him to me).  He has learned what this means or might mean and does not hesitate.  At that point without a word I lower his pants and provide some direct manual contact - somewhat "thoroughly" though not to ultimate satisfaction or orgasm.  I then pull him to me after a bit of this and ask him if he is "ready to do as I have asked". It is like his "objection" has evaporated.  The emotional objection he had is gone. He is now literally excited to do my bidding.  I do not allow at that point a release.  Off he goes.

Is this a manipulation?  Sure.  But, in my view so, so, much better than what could have happened. I get a motivated, excited and happy husband.  We have no nagging arguing to get over or through and the household gets the things we need from both stores.  I find this hard to explain and describe to friends.  A couple clearly get it.  But without being "explicit" about the erotic power it is tough to get.

Maybe not for all but for us it works -- big time!

Thursday, November 26, 2015

A Lust for Power

Wife led marriage is extremely empowering. Extremely.

Sometimes a wife can wonder if she is giving into a lust for power.

Let's be honest. It's pretty nice to be the Queen of the household, to have your husband at your beck and call, to be adored and worshiped, to make the important decisions and not have to explain them to your husband.

But where do you draw the line? How far can you go? Can you go too far in asserting control of you marriage? Are you indulging a lust for power?

This is something that every wife needs to think about because the more you exercise erotic power in your marriage the less your husband will resist you. Given determination and the right technique you can get him to accept almost anything you decide.

I have found that the best way to check a lust for power is to keep focused on two questions:
  1. What are the practical outcomes that you desire?
  2. Is he happy?

Desirable practical outcomes include a clean and orderly home, stable finances, good health, and successful children. How does your marriage stack up against others that you admire?

By staying focused on practical outcomes you can avoid the temptation to keep pushing him just to see how far you can. If, for example, the house is clean then there is no need to have him clean it further.

It's also important to realize that, to a large extent, your husband's happiness depends on you. A husband can find great happiness in submission to a wife who wields erotic power over him. And a happy husband is a helpful and adoring husband.

On the other hand, a husband who is the target of malicious nagging will be very unhappy. A husband who doesn't know what is expected of him will be very stressed. A husband who does not feel that his efforts to please his wife are valued will be miserable.

If he's happy, if your marriage is healthy, then all is well and there is no abuse of power. If either of those things go offtrack then it's all your responsibility to get back on track.

You can indulge your power freely so long as you keep these goals in mind.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Motivating Him With Rewards

Punishment and discipline are common words associated with a Wife Led Marriage (WLM). I would imagine many people, especially those new to WLM, envision the female wielding a whip or paddle in order to get the male to obey.  While, these are effective tools to use in a WLM, it is also important and effective to incorporate positive reinforcement and rewards into your WLM.  Positive reinforcement encourages the male to continue to be obedient and do things in a manner that meet your expectations.  This can be as simple as thanking him when he is good or compliant with your orders or rubbing his crotch when he performs well or before you give him an order.  A small gift for him is another form of positive reinforcement.

Rewards are good to use when he has been exceptionally good or has gone above and beyond the call of duty to please you.  If my husband, Thomas, has been consistently good for a long period of time I will reward him.  Thomas loves to see me in fetish wear.  I use fetish wear to often so it is a nice reward for him when I slip on my latex dress.  I am willing to do that if he has earned a reward.  I may also reward him with an exceptionally long teasing session or a by giving him a weekend of intense domination.  Isn't it ironic that many of the things that weaken him and reinforce his submission to me are also rewards to him.  I just love that! 

When I do these things, I make sure that Thomas knows he is being rewarded for his exceptionally good behavior.  I once had someone tell me they thought rewards were not good because then they become expected.  Sorry, but I disagree with that!  Rewards motivate people to do better and I see that in Thomas.  After a big reward, he is thankful and tends be extra obedient and attentive to my needs.  My rewards are earned and only given with exceptional behavior.   If he has consistently exceptional behavior and expects rewards for that, well then that's fine in my book because I am getting what I want and the rewards are working.

It is very important to incorporate positive reinforcement and rewards into your WLM.  It is a mistake to solely focus on repressing the male desires and focusing on what he has done wrong or needs to correct.  A strong and healthy WLM incorporates all of these techniques (punishment, discipline, positive reinforcement, and rewards) to manage the male and achieve obedience and dedication.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

You Can Say Anything - If It's Sexy!!

I believe that women are sometimes hesitant to say certain things to their men for fear of damaging fragile egos.  Historically we have been taught to be caretakers and be gentle with the boys. I feel that I have learned that an immense intimacy can be engaged if things, even things that husbands and males find hard to hear can be said. I think it is the way a woman says it. I have actually come to believe that it is important, even, to acknowledge directly areas where your husband might fall short of your hopes and expectations. If a woman does it in a playful and "sexy" manner she can bring up and point out areas where he falls a bit short. My rule of thumb has become - if I give him an erection while saying or doing it I can do or say virtually anything. Whether it is income he does not produce, things he is no-so-smart-about, or bedroom challenges he may have - oddly enough, pointing them out and even sexily teasing him about those issues can add deeply to a woman's leadership and general dominance. You are saying things that you both know are true - you are just putting it out there and keeping it under your erotic spell while you do. I am coming to believe that this can be exciting for men (even if embarrassing/humiliating) as it can embrace their deepest truths right within the context of feminine relationship and authority.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Getting Him Motivated


I need to admit that only a few short month months ago I think I would have been embarrassed or perhaps too shy to share some of my thoughts on getting a husband engaged and motivated to work for his wife.  My thoughts and knowledge on this subject have changed in leaps and bounds from being very non-explicit and vague to quite clear.  The clarity I feel is based on what I have done and felt in my own marriage and over a fairly short period of time overall.

I should confess that I have always, even from the very start, been the more domineering of us and "in charge" in my marriage.  However, that has become increasingly the case as time has progressed and since I have engaged and thought more actively and read about female led marriages things have truly taken off and in a very good direction for the most part.

I would not have believed some of the things that we (largely me) have put into place.  My husband has always been generally compliant toward me when it comes to housework.  However what I have learned is that I can actually get him over the top motivated/excited to work for me -- and yes, it is precisely because it is "for me" that he gets engaged.

If this sounds manipulative, well, it probably is.  I think what I have done is to wire the idea of housework (or really any work that he does "for me") into his brain as being sexually exciting. What is amazing to me, or ironic, is that his excitement gets satisfied somewhat rarely.  What I think motivates him is a certain sort of hope that maybe it will be sometime or someday -- even if it is rare.

I sexually tease him a great deal.  I try to look sexy, smell pretty, and often make "work requests" with a hand on his crotch or whispering in his ear.  I like him to give him erections before he does the dinner dishes or sets into his Saturday chores (from a list that I have given him).  I keep him yearning, wanting, hoping and, yes a bit frustrated for much of the time.  I often give him the longest lists or the toughest tasks while he is very sexually turned on.  In fact I now almost match the degree to which I excite him to the size of the hardship to be encountered.

It is amazing to me what can be accomplished with a whisper, a hand on the crotch or a sexy smile. I have also found it important to keep him in want even if there a fair amount of frustration for him. It keeps him tuned to my satisfaction.  How far this can go in a marriage, or at least has, in my marriage, has felt remarkable to me.  It feels to me like he actually gets sexually excited to go to work for me.  I expect that sounds crazy to some and, I myself, would have thought so not very long ago.

Quite recently I ran into an old girlfriend who is not yet married but who said to me "If you control the erotics you control it all - and they (males) can really like it that way".  I know some of my closest friends might object to the idea of "control" but for us it works.


Friday, June 19, 2015

The Emotional Complexity of Wife Led Marriage

At first glance, the authority that a wife wields over her husband might appear to be nothing more than the exploitation of her husband's carnal desires.

Though wrong, this is perfectly understandable given prevailing attitudes.

Marital advice on how to save or improve your marriage has long been centered around conversation and intellectual engagement in problem solving. While an allowance is made for the emotional needs and experience of the spouses, it is generally assumed that the wife and husband must sit down and talk through their problems. Alternatively, marriage counselors lead the discussion asking each to make conscious changes in their behavior for the sake of the marriage.

This focus on intellectualizing emotional issues too often results in a dead end. If the husband won't agree to talk about the marriage, or meet with the marriage counselor, or consciously change his behavior, then the only alternative is divorce.

By contrast, when a wife sets about to assume the lead in her marriage, whether to repair or improve it, she does not share this decision with her husband. Rather, she simply acts to influence his thinking. And the most crucial step that she takes is to assume complete control of sex.

At a casual glance, then, it may appear as if the wife is simply withholding sex and that her husband is merely working hard in hopes of sexual gratification. But there is much more going on than that.

Sex, being a primal human desire, has deep emotional and psychological roots. When you manipulate your sexual relationship you are reaching past your husband's consciousness and manipulating the deepest parts of his subconscience.

As a result of this sexual manipulation, your husband's emotions and feelings about you and your marriage become fundamentally altered.

As you pair sex and authority you begin to wield erotic power in your marriage. Your husband experiences this differently than either sex or power alone. He very quickly becomes addicted to your erotic power. He experiences this addiction as an irresistible desire, arising out of his deepest subconsciousness, to submit himself to your authority. He begins to crave every opportunity to obey your command. He starts to feel great joy in serving you.

Ultimately, he begins to worship you.

That can be a very startling change if six months ago you were on the verge of divorce, arguing, as so many couples do, about money, kids, and housework. It may be tempting to miss or dismiss his adoring interest in you as nothing more than the pursuit of the sexual gratification that you have been so carefully managing. If so, you are selling short yourself and him and the transformation itself.
 
The transformation is real. It is profound. It is deep and permanently life changing.

Asymmetric Sex

One of the most surprising aspects of wife led marriage is the asymmetric nature of sex. Few wives can imagine how different their sex life becomes when they assume a position of dominance in the marriage. 

In most marriages sex is essentially symmetric, or at least idealized as such. When one partner is in the mood, usually the husband, he works to arouse the other or, more commonly, simply initiates sex with, if he is in any way a gentleman, the expectation of mutual satisfaction.

But wife led marriage is different.

In a wife led marriage, the wife controls sex. Either she allows her husband to indicate an interest, to which she responds positively or negatively, or she reserves the initiation of sex entirely to herself. In either case, the wife is the gate keeper of sex.

When she does choose to engage in sex, it is primarily focused on her satisfaction. She expects her husband to bring her to orgasm at least once, perhaps more, before there is any possibility of his own.

So every sexual encounter in a wife led marriage arrives at a point where the wife has been satisfied but the husband has not. This makes sense because there is virtually no risk of a healthy husband failing to orgasm during sexual intercourse whereas there is considerable risk that he might before the wife, thus depriving her and ending the intimacy.

The wife's first orgasms, therefore, are achieved by means other than sexual intercourse. The possibilities are endless but usually involve manual or oral stimulation or the use of sex toys.

But just as the wife decides when sex occurs, so does she decide how far it proceeds. In particular, she decides whether sex proceeds beyond her first orgasms. As a routine matter, the husband not only has no expectations about when or whether sex will happen but, as well, how far it will proceed when it does.

As part of the transformation of the marriage, the wife may be scaling back her husband's orgasms and, at the same time, increasing her own.

How far can this go?

Well, let us suppose that you decide to allow your husband an average of one orgasm a week. At the same time, you might indulge yourself each night. That would result in a ratio of 7:1.

But you might allow him as few as a couple orgasms a month while you enjoy a quickie in the morning, another after work, and a more intimate and prolonged encounter in the evening. That is a ratio approaching 50:1.

These ratios, while interesting, are irrelevant. Once you pass beyond 5:1 there is really no longer any meaningful connection between your orgasms and his, they become entirely different matters: his are a strict matter of discipline, the exact frequency that brings about optimal adoration and obedience while you can enjoy as many as you wish. In fact, the more sexual intimacy, the better for the marriage.

That might seem incredible but for the fact that as you become ever more proficient in exercising erotic power in your marriage, your husband begins to derive ever greater happiness from your satisfaction. He will crave that morning quickie as much as you!

Needless to say, this extreme asymmetry does not come about overnight. It develops naturally over time so that, gradually, eventually, both of you come to regard wife-centered sex as a normal aspect of wife led marriage.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

How Public Should Your Wife Led Marriage Be?


One thing I want to make unequivocally clear is that I blog post here with an understanding of a couple of things.  One is that I am somewhat of a novice and am seeking to learn.  Another is my understanding and assumption that all couples are different and can choose different paths - even if they do share the general commonality of being in female led or wife led relationships.  I consider myself to be an "explorer"only.  I relish the thoughts, feedback, and knowledge that others have.  For me it's the reason to post at all.

Another thing I should share is that even though I still consider myself a novice in many ways I have quickly realized that I may well be more "strict" or "dominant" than some, though not all, other women who are in these types of marriages.  It's just me and so far seems to be working quite well - for both of us. Though I am a bit afraid of sounding "too strict" my feeling is that my authoritarianism works well and my husband not only is responsive to it but needs it.

One thing I am curious about is how do other women handle the public aspects of a wife led or female in the lead type of marriage?  To be honest, even in marriages that would not use the term "wife led" my belief is that many of them are - even if not in the more extreme ways my own has been developing.  Even in more "traditional" families I think it is frequently known that you "call the woman of the house if you want something done".  Please know - I realize fully that there are numerable exceptions.  I hear and see many women who run their homes in an authoritarian fashion - even if it is not fully acknowledged that that is the case.

Part of my purpose of this post is to explore the "public" aspects of wife led marriage.  For us, out in the World it has not really been an issue for the most part. Occasionally we will get a "glance" or "double take" in a restaurant when I indicate that the bill come to me - or last week when, quite audibly I told my husband that I wanted him to pick a salad for dinner (keeping him trim) - despite his menu lingering over a sauced chicken dish.  Our "dynamic" did not go unnoticed by the 30 something waitress who had to sense that this was not negotiable.  I expect she was not used to this sort of "public" openness of female authority.  I don't know.

Those more "anonymous" interactions have been more straightforward.  It gets a bit more interesting with family and friends.  Our parents, particularly his mom, are more than aware that I "wear the pants in the family" though they do not  know nearly how far  my authority extends.  My girlfriends are another story.  I have one, maybe two who "know all" and then a more extensive group who "know" in some sense but again not the full extent - frankly I am not even sure I  myself know that!

The "public question" was apparent to me last weekend when I had my husband prep, serve and clean up after a small group of professional women I had over for a "business-social" type gathering.  Again, the "dynamic" did not go unnoticed.  The two single women chided "where can I get one of those".  At one point there was what I would call some "gentle teasing".  My husband is sensitive and can be prone to blushing easily and did so then.  I think he knows though that I won't let the ladies get too rough!

In any event - I am curious as to how other women/couples manage all this. My expectation is that my husband works to manage it for the most part.  I know that there will be moments of vulnerability that I expect will feel more awkward to him than to me and I will support him through those moments.  However, I don't want or expect to "hide" the real dynamic of our connection and for the most part want and expect him to manage.  The deep reality is - he knows that when I am pleased - he may be as well.  My happiness is (increasingly) a primary objective for him - even if I lay out challenges.

Monday, May 4, 2015

Where to Find a Submissive Husband

In terms of "finding" a submissive guy I am not sure there is any one "place", though I do think some spots are more likely than others.  I am in happy possession of a very submissive fellow and part of my reason for writing this post is to reflect back a bit on how exactly that wonderful outcome occurred.  Perhaps some of my reflections will be of use to other ladies.  I hope so.

First I think I have to acknowledge that I was by no means always after a submissive fellow.  In fact, even at the time I connected with my current spouse I am not sure I realized what was happening.  Much of this is from a retrospective point of view.

Much of my early dating did not involve submissive guys at all.  That, in fact, can be a bit of a "tender spot" for my husband now as he knows his "type" is not what I always sought - at all.  Early on I dated some "tough guys" - more "traditional" manly men.  It is not that my husband is not "manly" - more that we (more me than him) have redefined our definition of manly.

Ironically, I met my husband in an office, where, I guess not surprisingly, he had a position that was subordinate to mine - though I was not his direct boss.  He was in some ways quite contrary to many of whom I had dated in college and beyond. He was quite shy and not at all aggressive sexually though I could tell he was enamored with me.  He did not have the "alpha" type persona I was more used to with males.

He was, no doubt, heterosexual but the arrogance, the aggression, the self focus was not there.  Again, I'd be dishonest if I did not admit I did (and still do) like some of those more "traditional" male qualities at times.  It was at times nice to have a "strong man" pick me up and tell me our plans for the evening.  Joe (pseudonym) was a bit "softer" than that.

Again, much of this comes from "looking back" but now I realize - he rarely argued and frequently took explicit direction from me - even if I was asking him to do something distasteful - score!  To be honest, then, I did not even really think fully in terms of "dominance" and "submissiveness".  But I did know it felt right.

Even now, I might still, occasionally, fantasize just a bit about a more "macho man" - but it is only fantasy.  I LOVE having a submissive husband.  Love it!  I know he loves me being in charge as well.  He cannot always openly express it as in front of others it can be hard at times still as I am fairly "public" in my leadership.  I hope to post later about the "public vs. private" aspects of our marriage.

So to ladies who are still unhinged and looking for a good submissive mate.  Don't look in bars!!  Just kidding, I guess you could, in theory, find one almost anywhere.  But to me the best advice is just look around your world - your place of work, your neighborhood, your past.  Who are the ones who are just a bit more deferential, shy, even a bit 'timid' with you.  Ask yourself - is one of the guys you see and like one you can feel would take your direction well?

Monday, April 20, 2015

It Amazed Me!

As this is my first post to this blog I expect it will be a short one. I am new to both blogging and to the topic at hand, "Female Led Relationships". I am no expert--at all. And, in truth I feel like a lot of what I have learned has been, very, very, recent.

To be clear, I have nearly always thought of myself as a fairly dominant sort of female. Getting guys, and later, my husband moving in "the right direction" had never been especially difficult for me. I am also not someone who is averse to "using" my feminine wiles on the male species. But, to be honest I never, never, ever, dreamed that things could be even close to what they now are in my marriage. I am (still) somewhat stunned by how things have evolved.

My marriage was "ok" but lacking in some areas. I had (literally) stumbled across the term "FLR" when on Amazon books one day. I perused a variety of material and much of it sort of seemed like "fantasy" or at least not entirely real. It became apparent to me that, at least for some women, this was real. Very real. I was captivated.

Again, I have to acknowledge that I was already somewhat "in charge" in my marriage but not in nearly so explicit and comprehensive a manner as what I read about. Lady Misato's work and writing was especially powerful to me. I read it. I re-read it. I looked at other materials on the internet paying particular attention to women who seemed thoughtful and sincere. I was amazed.

I guess part of what amazed me the most was putting the eroticism front and center and virtually "on the table". We women know how men need and desire us sexually. For God's sake we have always known that. But to make it so entirely explicit - wow. It feels to me like taking some things we know and feel to their logical extension.

In my marriage now, sex has become not simply a matter of "are we getting along...well...enough". It has gone way, way, way beyond that rather placid position. It has gone more to am I, his wife, very, very, very, happy with his behavior. Does he get "gratified" all the time? Absolutely not. But the hope of it is (pretty constantly) looming out there at least in his own mind. He has become (incredibly) attentive, an excellent listener, and there is next to nothing that does not get done in our house.

In truth, I wonder, how many women in more "vanilla" marriages have not said to themselves (or their husbands) "Hey, he's done a nice job cleaning out the garage all day, let's relax in the bedroom a bit. He deserves a reward"! I think this is "extending" that sort of disposition. What has absolutely amazed me is how far it can be extended!

I am amazed, not only that this works but that my husband clearly wants to take direction. He is literally excited and seems comforted by me being "in charge". Even though I am somewhat dominant and he somewhat submissive, if someone had told me, even a year ago, that I could have my husband doing all house chores, cooking, shopping, laundry (yes all of it!) AND be happy in that role I would have never, ever believed it.

Perhaps at a later time I will go into more detail. I think the toughest part has been for him acknowledging within himself that this is "right". I have also had to make some decisions about the public part of it with friends and family but at this point even that part is moving along. I simply cannot say enough about the positive aspects of this at least for me/us. It's been a game changer.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Courtly Love

What is marriage?

Such a seemingly simple question is, in fact, delicately complex.

The history of marriage suggests a variety of possible answers. Naturally, there is a modern answer to the question, a set of common assumptions that contemporary couples regard as definitive, indeed eternal. Modern marriage is characterized by two essential features: romantic love and equality of the spouses.

Needless to say, it was not always so. And, thus it need not always be so. I say this because many are understandably confused by the very concept of wife led marriage. Many wives otherwise suited to the arrangement resist it because they cling to an ideal of marriage that they take to be essential and timeless or, at least, to represent the end point of a historical progression.

To better understand wife led marriage let's look at an older idea: courtly love.

Courtly love, as described in medieval European literature, is a conception of love modeled on the feudal relationship between a knight and his lord consisting of obedience, loyalty, and submission. Courtly love was the affection of a knight toward a lady of the court. The most famous and familiar example of courtly love was that of Sir Lancelot for Queen Guenevere.

In the tradition of courtly love, the woman was in complete control of the relationship. The knight's love for his lady inspired him to do great deeds in order to be worthy of her love and to win her favor. He was ever lovesick for his lady. The knight subjected himself humbly to his lady and treated her with the utmost courtesy and respect. The lady, by contrast, not only owed the knight nothing but might well ignore him altogether. The knight was often content with a one-sided love affair, what we would today call a crush.

Now the parallel is imperfect but hopefully it can serve to expand our concept of marriage to include those led by a wife. Unlike courtly love, a wife led marriage is a romantic love within a formal marriage. But in many other ways, the resemblance is uncanny.

The most important feature of a wife led marriage is, of course, that the wife leads the marriage. This can mean different things to different couples but whatever is meant by it, it is not an egalitarian marriage. The wife assumes a position of control and authority within the marriage much like the lady in courtly love. There is no pretense that the husband has an equal say in matters.

A second feature of wife led marriage is that the wife manipulates the husband without hesitation or mercy. Whatever the wife needs from the husband, she obtains by whatever means are at her disposal. Typically, and ideally, this entails the exercise of erotic power over her husband as it is the most effective way to nullify the male ego and overcome his resistance to her authority.

And while a wife led marriage includes romantic love, it is not a symmetric love. The wife, as head of the family, is primarily concerned with the welfare of the marriage and the family. She directs her husband toward choices that benefit the marriage. She does not allow her love for her husband to diminish her responsibility for the marriage. Through erotic power she keeps her husband in a perpetual state of lovesickness, leaving him always a little unsure of his standing before her.

By contrast, the husband is focused entirely upon obeying and serving his wife. He trusts his wife to tell him what needs to be done for the sake of the family and he humbly submits to her authority in the marriage. His love for her is like the love of the knight for his lady without expectation of an equal return of affection. He is always looking for ways to win her favor and is ever fearful of falling from her grace.

This does not mean, of course, that the love of the wife for the husband is in any way less than that of the husband for the wife. It is just that they are very different in their nature.

To be sure, the comparison of wife led marriage to courtly love is imperfect but it suffices as an alternative model to that of modern marriage. A wife who feels reluctant to transform her marriage might well find inspiration in the medieval literature of courtly love to indulge her inner Queen.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

8 Things Wife Led Married Couples Do Every Day

A happy and successful wife led marriage rests, in part, on well established rituals of behavior. Of course, life is full of surprises and marriage is always in a state of adjustment to them. But most of the time we are living lives of routine.

Our routines are the building blocks of our lives. They reinforce good habits and attitudes and both encourage and demonstrate love and commitment to those we care most about.

So what are the routines of a wife led marriage?

She flirts with him

Not a day goes by that she won't find some way to express her femininity with him. If not in the morning when she wakes or before she leaves for work then, later, when she returns home to him or before she goes to sleep. Ideally, there is flirting at each and every opportunity.

Unfortunately, many working wives fall into the habit of rushing off to work and coming home too exhausted. It's tempting to think that her responsibility for the household income is sufficient. It isn't. Especially if he's spent all day caring for children, he needs to renew his emotional connection to her.

In playful teasing, she renews and refreshes her erotic power in the marriage. Often the slightest gesture and touch is sufficient.

He expresses his adoration of her

Every interaction, flirtations especially, become an opportunity for him to refresh his adoration of her. At least once, and ideally several times a day, he tells her that he loves her and reminds her of how grateful he is that they are married.

She tells him what needs to be done

She doesn't make him guess. She doesn't assume he can read her mind. She doesn't rely on shared priorities. If it needs doing, she tells him.

But she doesn't nag. If there is any possibility that she is repeating herself or that he already knows what she is about to tell him, she tells him in a remindful manner. Instead of angrily assuming that he has forgotten (again!), she gently offers to recap things that need to be done that day.

He promises to do what she asks

He never assumes he knows what is required of him. When he is given instructions he repeats them back in his own words to confirm his understanding. And he replies in the form of a promise. He promises to do what he understands needs to be done.

She asks what's done

At the most appropriate time she checks up on his progress. Not when she is tired and cranky but when she is fresh and emotionally engaged. Often this is after a satisfying meal and a refreshing bath.

In asking what's been done she is not only monitoring his progress on things that need to be done but she is also creating the opportunity for him to demonstrate pride in what he's accomplished. When the job is done and done well, she expresses her admiration of him. But even when he has fallen short of expectations she can still show gratitude for his efforts even as she offers correctives.

He tells her what he's accomplished

He is proud of what he has accomplished for her and cannot wait to tell her about it. He provides just enough detail to assure her that the job has been done well. If she is interested, he may give her more details about how he managed it. But he values her time and focus and never bores her with irrelevant details.

She asserts her authority

Life is filled with decisions and every day presents opportunities for her to reassert her authority in the marriage. Whether it be a small choice or a major decision, she makes a demonstration of her authority by stating the matter to be decided and her choice. In asserting her decision she reinforces her authority in the marriage. The more difficult and contentiousness the decision, the more effective the demonstration of authority.

That doesn't mean that she never solicits his opinion. Where relevant, she does. But she makes clear the difference between accepting his opinion and resolving a choice.

He yields to her command

Of course, he accept her decisions. But more than that, he yields to her command. He looks forward to proving his obedience to her will and relishes every opportunity to demonstrate his submission to her domination of the marriage.

Friday, March 20, 2015

The Domineering Wife

Can a wife be too domineering?

The short answer is, "no". But that is not a complete answer because, to be frank, so many wives do it wrong.

The more precise answer is that it is very easy and natural for a wife to dominate, or attempt to dominate, her husband in such a way as to do great harm to the marriage. And so the popular image of the domineering wife is not a very pretty one.

Why are wives so often dominating their husbands wrongly? Because most wives come at it out of frustration and powerlessness. As a result, the average controlling wife is unpleasant, even toxic in her attitude toward her husband and the marriage. In short, a nagging bitch.

There is a right way for a wife to dominate her husband. The right way is a matter of both style and substance.

In style, a rightfully domineering wife is pleasant and playful. She makes demands of her husband with a smile and a wink. Her husband hears her demands not as an assault on his ego but as an opportunity to express his love for her.

In substance, a rightfully domineering wife always keeps the good of the marriage and the happiness of her husband firmly in mind. Her husband comes to trust her decisions in the larger scheme of things even when he might disagree in the immediate circumstances.

Wrongful domineering exploits and erodes trust and creates distance between you. But rightful domineering exercises and builds trust and draws him nearer to you.

So, it is not possible for a wife to be too rightfully domineering. Provided that the demands are made in the right style and toward the right goals then there is no reason a wife should feel inhibited about expressing herself in a domineering manner.

If you are rightfully domineering then he will be as happy as a puppy, eagerly anticipating your return home, and craving your authority and domineering presence.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Big Flip

Izzy Chan, a business strategist and film director, has been working on a documentary project, "The Big Flip". Marriages are in the process of flipping from having a husband as the primary breadwinner to the wife taking that role. Already, women are the breadwinners in 40% of households with children. Within fifteen years the majority of working wives will outearn their husbands. And since women outnumber men in college, this trend is only likely to continue.

Most people find these statistics startling. Social conversations are simply not keeping pace with the facts. The trend toward dual income households and the high income and net worth of a small minority of ultra-successful men has obscured this transition. People just assume that women are catching up with men as they enter the workforce but, in fact, they are beginning to surpass them among average households.

Although these changes are occurring slowly, social convention is not keeping pace. An unfortunate consequence of flipped marriages is divorce. Divorce is 40% more likely when a women earns over 60% of the family’s income.

Why? There are three interrelated reasons.

First, husbands are generally uncomfortable with playing second fiddle. That's the male ego at work. Men are naturally competitive and often view themselves in competition even with their wives for social status within the family. When the wife outearns the husband, the husband can feel emasculated and jealous of his wife's success.

Second, wives, even those in high paying jobs, expect their husbands to be ambitious and to provide for the family at least at parity. When the wife outearns the husband, especially when the difference is significant, she tends to resent him for his lack of ambition blaming his relative failure on the career decisions he's made.

Third, especially in cases where there has been a sudden change in relative income, it is the wife who still shoulders the major responsibilities of keeping the home. Even when the couple can afford to hire help, the wife is still spending more time with the children and managing the household.

What to do? The common denominator is resentment.

It may be that your husband lacks ambition. Or it may be that you have made better decisions than him. It may even be that you are simply more competent than him. Regardless, you must avoid resentment. Resentment will poison your marriage.

But avoiding resentment is not easy when you not only earn more but still shoulder most of the household responsibilities.

You need to step back and reappraise the respective roles in your marriage. Redistributing household chores is one of the most obvious changes to make but, more generally, to head off resentment you will need to assume a greater role in household decisions. This is particularly the case if you are, in fact, the more competent spouse or if your husband is genuinely lazy.

The problem, as noted above, is that your husband may, himself, already resent the fact that he is earning less than you. And he will almost certainly resent being asked to do women's work around the house. It's not enough for you to overcome your own resentment, you must also disarm your husband's ego and resentment of the situation.

Essentially, your husband's ego will be in conflict with reality. He is not fulfilling the role that he would prefer and wishing won't make it so. He may well be avoiding that reality. You must gently and patiently lead him to accept the situation as it is. And accepting the situation includes, of course, accepting whatever you determine is necessary to avoid resentment of your own.

In situations such as these there is little merit in halfway measures. If you must lead your husband through this crisis you might as well take the lead in the marriage. Whether you decide simply to redistribute chores or to ask him to become a stay-at-home dad, you will be the one initiating the change and taking responsibility for the outcome.

The key to accomplishing this is to constructively harness your own resentment into a determination to make yours a wife led marriage.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Shush!


There are many ways to become the head of your household but every journey begins with the first step. For some, this can be as simple as finding a way to resolve marital conflicts in your favor.

Too often marriages are torn by strife. Even the simplest disagreements can ignite fierce argument. Just putting an end to such acrimony can immensely benefit your marriage.

One way that you can accomplish both ends is to ask your husband to allow you to temporarily suspend arguments with a simple gesture of your hand to his mouth saying, "Shush!" He does not need to concede the argument to you. He only agrees to postpone his part of it to another time.

This method was first discovered by a marital counselor who had been frustrated by a couple who could not seem to stop fighting. As related by another blogger,
The counselor decided to try a radical new approach. Her advice was for the wife to simply put a band aid on hubbie’s mouth when they fought and he would then remember to be silent. He could not speak again until she came and removed it. Everyone thought it was a crazy idea and that it wouldn’t work. Even though the counselor never let on that she had her doubts. But as their relationship was just so tattered and close to the end, and little else had worked for them or any other couples, they tried it.

The next time they met, the couple were all smiles and the simple “Hush up hubby, your woman is speaking” advice had saved their marriage! The first time they did it, they both started laughing and the fight ended. The next couple of times the silliness had worn off a little but they were both happy and hubby obeyed the rules and the whole situation deescalated.
I got into the practice of doing something very similar early in the transformation of my own marriage. Whenever I felt he was getting too emotionally involved in justifying himself I would put my hand to his mouth and ask for some quiet time. It was understood that this was quiet time for him, not for me.

The beauty of this is that it can be presented so innocently. We all recognize how toxic fighting can be to marriage, even to our health and wellbeing. In return, you are implicitly promising him to tone down your own rhetoric. If he must be silent then you must be reasonable in what you say during his silence lest you simply reignite the argument.

This, in turn, becomes easier because you won't need to shout over him. If, by the touch of your hand to his mouth you can silence him then you are at liberty to make your point calmly and in more measured tone.

Finally, the mere act of submission to you in this point can go a long way to cooling your own animosity. If, for example, you are infuriated by his disrespect of your opinion you can at least recognize that by his silence he is respecting your wish to have your say. Can you really burn with hatred in that situation?

Most importantly, though, is that this will be a first small step on the way to empowering you as head of the household. Assuming, as will almost certainly be the case, that your marriage is happier with this improvement you will be able to suggest further improvements along the same line.