How Public Should Your Wife Led Marriage Be?

One thing I want to make unequivocally clear is that I blog post here with an understanding of a couple of things.  One is that I am somewhat of a novice and am seeking to learn.  Another is my understanding and assumption that all couples are different and can choose different paths - even if they do share the general commonality of being in female led or wife led relationships.  I consider myself to be an "explorer"only.  I relish the thoughts, feedback, and knowledge that others have.  For me it's the reason to post at all.

Another thing I should share is that even though I still consider myself a novice in many ways I have quickly realized that I may well be more "strict" or "dominant" than some, though not all, other women who are in these types of marriages.  It's just me and so far seems to be working quite well - for both of us. Though I am a bit afraid of sounding "too strict" my feeling is that my authoritarianism works well and my husband not only is responsive to it but needs it.

One thing I am curious about is how do other women handle the public aspects of a wife led or female in the lead type of marriage?  To be honest, even in marriages that would not use the term "wife led" my belief is that many of them are - even if not in the more extreme ways my own has been developing.  Even in more "traditional" families I think it is frequently known that you "call the woman of the house if you want something done".  Please know - I realize fully that there are numerable exceptions.  I hear and see many women who run their homes in an authoritarian fashion - even if it is not fully acknowledged that that is the case.

Part of my purpose of this post is to explore the "public" aspects of wife led marriage.  For us, out in the World it has not really been an issue for the most part. Occasionally we will get a "glance" or "double take" in a restaurant when I indicate that the bill come to me - or last week when, quite audibly I told my husband that I wanted him to pick a salad for dinner (keeping him trim) - despite his menu lingering over a sauced chicken dish.  Our "dynamic" did not go unnoticed by the 30 something waitress who had to sense that this was not negotiable.  I expect she was not used to this sort of "public" openness of female authority.  I don't know.

Those more "anonymous" interactions have been more straightforward.  It gets a bit more interesting with family and friends.  Our parents, particularly his mom, are more than aware that I "wear the pants in the family" though they do not  know nearly how far  my authority extends.  My girlfriends are another story.  I have one, maybe two who "know all" and then a more extensive group who "know" in some sense but again not the full extent - frankly I am not even sure I  myself know that!

The "public question" was apparent to me last weekend when I had my husband prep, serve and clean up after a small group of professional women I had over for a "business-social" type gathering.  Again, the "dynamic" did not go unnoticed.  The two single women chided "where can I get one of those".  At one point there was what I would call some "gentle teasing".  My husband is sensitive and can be prone to blushing easily and did so then.  I think he knows though that I won't let the ladies get too rough!

In any event - I am curious as to how other women/couples manage all this. My expectation is that my husband works to manage it for the most part.  I know that there will be moments of vulnerability that I expect will feel more awkward to him than to me and I will support him through those moments.  However, I don't want or expect to "hide" the real dynamic of our connection and for the most part want and expect him to manage.  The deep reality is - he knows that when I am pleased - he may be as well.  My happiness is (increasingly) a primary objective for him - even if I lay out challenges.

Where to Find a Submissive Husband

In terms of "finding" a submissive guy I am not sure there is any one "place", though I do think some spots are more likely than others.  I am in happy possession of a very submissive fellow and part of my reason for writing this post is to reflect back a bit on how exactly that wonderful outcome occurred.  Perhaps some of my reflections will be of use to other ladies.  I hope so.

First I think I have to acknowledge that I was by no means always after a submissive fellow.  In fact, even at the time I connected with my current spouse I am not sure I realized what was happening.  Much of this is from a retrospective point of view.

Much of my early dating did not involve submissive guys at all.  That, in fact, can be a bit of a "tender spot" for my husband now as he knows his "type" is not what I always sought - at all.  Early on I dated some "tough guys" - more "traditional" manly men.  It is not that my husband is not "manly" - more that we (more me than him) have redefined our definition of manly.

Ironically, I met my husband in an office, where, I guess not surprisingly, he had a position that was subordinate to mine - though I was not his direct boss.  He was in some ways quite contrary to many of whom I had dated in college and beyond. He was quite shy and not at all aggressive sexually though I could tell he was enamored with me.  He did not have the "alpha" type persona I was more used to with males.

He was, no doubt, heterosexual but the arrogance, the aggression, the self focus was not there.  Again, I'd be dishonest if I did not admit I did (and still do) like some of those more "traditional" male qualities at times.  It was at times nice to have a "strong man" pick me up and tell me our plans for the evening.  Joe (pseudonym) was a bit "softer" than that.

Again, much of this comes from "looking back" but now I realize - he rarely argued and frequently took explicit direction from me - even if I was asking him to do something distasteful - score!  To be honest, then, I did not even really think fully in terms of "dominance" and "submissiveness".  But I did know it felt right.

Even now, I might still, occasionally, fantasize just a bit about a more "macho man" - but it is only fantasy.  I LOVE having a submissive husband.  Love it!  I know he loves me being in charge as well.  He cannot always openly express it as in front of others it can be hard at times still as I am fairly "public" in my leadership.  I hope to post later about the "public vs. private" aspects of our marriage.

So to ladies who are still unhinged and looking for a good submissive mate.  Don't look in bars!!  Just kidding, I guess you could, in theory, find one almost anywhere.  But to me the best advice is just look around your world - your place of work, your neighborhood, your past.  Who are the ones who are just a bit more deferential, shy, even a bit 'timid' with you.  Ask yourself - is one of the guys you see and like one you can feel would take your direction well?