Thursday, May 24, 2018

The Dog That Caught the Car

We've worked hard all our lives to justify our feminist ideals. We chose academic degrees in medicine, law, engineering, and business and we studied hard. Upon graduation we competed for the best opportunities in the field and won the positions. Once there we put in extra hours earning the respect of our supervisors and peers.

In a word, we have arrived.

And like the proverbial dog that caught the car, we are not quite sure what to do with our hard earned success. Because our husbands did not arrive with us. They have not enjoyed the same career success. On the contrary, they are embarrassing failures.

No problem. We're doing well enough for the both of us. Our relative success only makes us prouder of our achievements.

But that is a problem. Because that's not what we signed up for when we married. Rather than icing on the cake, it has become a fly in the soup.

And it's not just the embarrassment of having to explain to family, friends, and colleagues what it is our husbands do or, rather, don't do. We feel overwhelmed by the burden of being both breadwinner and homemaker.

If our husbands had been as successful as us then we could have hired maids to keep the home and nannies to care for the children while we each pursued our successful careers.

But now we realize that will never happen.

And, as if to add insult to injury, our husbands are equally unhappy with the situation. They feel emasculated by their failure to be the primary breadwinner in the family. Sure, they willingly allowed us to pursue our careers but always with the expectation that ours would be a supplementary income and that keeping the home would remain our responsibility.

This situation breeds resentment from both the wife and the husband each directed at the other and at the situation in which they now find themselves. Patience runs short, affection wanes, libidos atrophy, empathy dies.

It's no wonder, then, that marriages where the wife is the primary breadwinner are 40% more likely to end in divorce.

But divorce is not the answer.

Rather, we must adapt our marriages to our unexpected, perhaps even unwelcome, status as the primary or sole breadwinner in the family.

And in order to adapt our marriages we must first adapt ourselves beginning with the recognition and resolution of our conflicting desires.

We love being successful in our careers. We are rightfully proud the fact that women who work hard can outearn men, such as our husbands, in the workplace. We enjoy the self respect and adulation that comes from realizing our dreams.

But we also dreamed of marriage to a husband who would provide for us and the family as our fathers did. We can't help but feel disgusted with his failure to measure up to our expectations.

We bested our husbands in the workplace and now we resent our own success. We caught the car and don't know what to do with it.

We must resolve these conflicting desires for our own peace of mind and for the sake of our marriage. And the best place to begin is by bravely confronting reality: For whatever reason, we are now the primary breadwinner in the family. No amount of nagging our husbands is going to propel him ahead of us, even if we wanted that, which maybe we don't.

Instead, let us savor our success and make peace with our husbands on new terms. They may not be what we hoped for but that does not make them useless or unworthy of our love and respect.

The solution, of course, is staring us in the face. We can't do it all and we don't need to do it all. We are not giving up our role as breadwinner so we must look to delegate our homemaking responsibilities. Not to a maid or nanny but to our otherwise useless husbands.

And that, in turn, means seizing the reigns of power at home. Because men do not naturally gravitate to doing housework and caring for children. We must assert our rightful authority at home and gently and lovingly guide our husbands into a subordinate role as homemaker, supporting the family through their contribution of domestic labor.

We have arrived at the wife led marriage.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Protect Your Knight

It seems, to some, as if I am advocating an "anything goes" attitude on the part of the wife. After all, she is supposed to be the Queen of the household and the role of the husband is to worship and serve her. So if the wife is sovereign, how could she do anything wrong?

But a closer reading of my book will reveal many ways that a wife could do wrong in her marriage.

To start with, the wife has certain goals in the marriage and cannot count on the cooperation of her husband. She could do wrong simply by failing to enlist her husband in her goals or causing him to work against her. For example, if she neglects to project her erotic power then her dominance will wane and her authority will be diminished.

But even if she is completely successful in establishing her authority in the marriage, her dominance may be short lived, or the marriage itself may become endangered, if she fails to adequately nurture her husband's happiness. As I often say, once you own his heart you are responsible for it.

A husband in wife led marriage tends to find himself depending more on his wife than he would naturally prefer. This is especially the case when he gives up his career to keep the home. In that situation, especially, he may lose the respect of friends, perhaps even his family. He may feel socially isolated for a time until he makes new friends or otherwise adjusts. But even when the husband is still the breadwinner, he may feel some loss of dignity in his new role in the marriage.

So the wife cannot adopt an "anything goes" attitude in her marriage. In fact, I can think of three distinct and important ways in which she must take her husband's feelings into account. I describes these as the "Three Don'ts".

Don't compare your husband unfavorably to other men. Comparing your husband unfavorably to other men is absolutely toxic. It is the surest way to arouse his ego and sabotage your dominance of the marriage. Your goal should be to tame his ego, not to crush or inflame it. When you compare your husband unfavorably to other men you shift his thinking from serving you to competing with other men. When men think about competing with other men they fall back on very primitive and crude evolutionary tools including, among others, anger and violence. And at least some of this, if not most of it, will be directed at you.

Instead, reassure your husband that he is the best man you know. You chose him in marriage and you would gladly do so again. This not in spite of, but at least in part because of, his surrender to your dominance in the marriage. He is the greatest man you know because he serves you. Other men are pathetic creatures who ignore their wives and indulge their outside interests at their wives' expense.

Don't lead your husband to think he is inadequate. Even apart from comparing him unfavorably to other men, you should avoid maliciously belittling him. This can be subtle, of course, when you are in the process of putting him in his new subordinate place in the marriage. The act of domination must, as far as practical, entail raising you up, not putting him down. And disappointments should always be tempered by your confidence that he can be the person you expect him to be. By contrast, if you leave him with the impression that he is an irredeemable failure he will rightly conclude that you have given up on him and he will lose interest in becoming the husband you desire.

Similarly, actions that humiliate your husband must be taken with extreme care. As a rule of thumb, I always frame humiliation with a dose of humor. Good humiliation invites him willingly experience humility. It requires his cooperation. Bad humiliation tries to force humility on the husband over his resistance and it can serve instead to inflame his ego against you. So keep the humiliation light and fun. And try to keep the eye rolling to a minimum.

Finally, don't emasculate your husband. One of the biggest confusions about wife led marriage is the mistaken belief that it involves a repudiation of gender roles. Nothing could be further from the truth. This error arises from a fundamental confusion about gender, itself. Masculinity and femininity are not defined by their relative dominance and submission but by their respective approaches to life. Masculinity is at its best when it is exercised in service to femininity.

This is one reason why I am such a strong advocate of the Queen/knight metaphor. The knight in this relationship is no less of a man because he serves his Queen. On the contrary, she depends utterly upon his masculinity. The Queen will never be a King, she will always be a Queen. And the knight will never be King but he will always be a man. The Queen has every interest in nurturing her knight's masculinity. The ideal situation is one in which the Queen dominates the knight and the knight dominates all else.

Whenever I encounter a marriage where the gender roles have become confused I suggest a very direct solution: the wife should instruct her husband to join a martial arts studio and learn self defense. This allows the husband to express his masculinity without inhibition by beating up on other men while preserving the dominance/submission relationship in the marriage. If he were ever called upon to use his learned skills it would be to defend his Queen and their family, perhaps even to give his life for them. You can't get any more masculine that that!

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Hypnotic Conversation

Supposedly, hypnosis is a state of human consciousness involving focused attention and reduced awareness and an enhanced inclination to respond to suggestions. But as the subject of legend and show, it carries with it a great deal of baggage. Even among those who accept hypnosis as a real phenomenon there is controversy as to whether it is primarily a matter of willing susceptibility or an altogether altered state of mind.

I have been told many times by those who claim to know that what I describe in my book as erotic conversational is, essentially, hypnosis. Now, needless to say, conventional hypnosis does not involve sexual stimulation or deliberate manipulation of sexual desires but perhaps this is merely a difference of method.

When I have an erotic conversation with my husband there is behavioral conditioning associating my words with his sexual feelings and rewarding his compliance. But my impression, based on our erotic conversations in the bedroom and subsequent interaction outside, is that something more is going on. Especially revealing have been my husband's confessions to me. And other wives have confirmed similar phenomenon in their own marriages.

We naturally engage communicated thoughts as they are received, evaluating and judging them for their correctness, relevance, and usefulness. In this process we tend to maintain a distance from most of what we hear, especially the commands of others. We are more likely to resist that which is not immediately confirmed by our own experience and to argue if pressed. Men are especially prone to this distancing approach to conversation. It is one reason why husbands interpret instructions from their wives as nagging.

But the situation is altogether different when the communication occurs in the context of sex and in the passion of sexual stimulation. The husband's mind is focused on the pleasant feelings he is experiencing and the desperation he feels to discharge the sexual energies that are building up inside him. He is wondering, whether consciously or unconsciously, "what must I do to get my orgasm?" And since you are in control of the situation he is hanging on your every word and gesture. If hypnosis is a matter of willing susceptibility then this creates exactly that.

In such a state of mind he is putty in your hands and unable or unwilling to resist the thoughts you communicate to him. Over time, repetition will make these thoughts his and he will not even care where they originated.

I prefer to let our erotic conversations develop naturally based on my intuition about what issues may be obstructing our immediate progress, what our marriage might need at the particular moment. But, almost always, I have taken the opportunity to talk about obedience to my will and submission to my dominance as these are fundamental to everything else. I want my husband to internalize the belief that regardless of the situation he can't go wrong if he simply obeys me and that whenever he is in doubt that he should seek me out for instructions.

For us this was no small feat. Before we embarked on wife led marriage, we were always arguing and fighting. It would never have occurred to me to expect his obedience. And while progress came quickly as I developed my technique, old habits died hard. Even when he intellectually recognized that we were no longer equals in our marriage, still, he would habitually fall back on prior behaviors. But with time and repetition he eventually became addicted to my dominance and I believe that our erotic conversations were essential to that.

I suspect that hypnosis played a role because eventually he began repeating back the very phrases I had earlier communicated to him, not just immediately, in in the heat of passion but later outside the bedroom in our everyday lives. Not only did his behavior improve but he had internalized exactly the thoughts, almost verbatim, that I had been communicating to him. He often confessed to me a confusion about his thoughts about obedience. Intellectually, he knew that I had been demanding obedience from him and he remembered when he had earlier resisted my authority but emotionally he felt as if he had always been obedient to me, as if this was just his nature and my words were redundant.

My advice is that you, too, let these conversations develop naturally but I thought it would be helpful to put together a few scripts from a recollection of our conversations that might serve to illustrate and inspire you in yours.

Breath and relax.
Don't make any effort.
Allow my words to guide you deeper into relaxation.
I will tell you to say something.
You will repeat it back to me.
It takes no effort to repeat back to me what I tell you to say.
Even if you don't agree with it.
Even if you don't want to say it.
Just repeat it back to me.
It will be easier if you just say it.
There is no effort in repeating back to me what I say.
Say, "I love you." ["I love you."]
Say, "I want you." ["I want you."]
Say, "I need you." ["I need you."]
Say, "I am lost without you." ["I am lost without you."]
Say, "I am lost without your direction." ["I am lost without your direction."]
Say, "I am lost without your commands." ["I am lost without your commands."]
Say, "I want you to command me." ["I want you to command me."]
Say, "I need you to command me." ["I need you to command me."]
Say, "I want to obey you." ["I want to obey you."]
Say, "I need to obey you." ["I need to obey you."]
Say, "I must obey your every command." ["I must obey your every command."]
Say, "I crave your dominance." ["I crave your dominance."]
Say, "I hunger to surrender to your will." ["I hunger to surrender to your will."]
Say, "I worship you." ["I worship you."]
Say, "You are my Queen." ["You are my Queen."]

Breath and relax.
Listen to my voice.
The longer you listen to my voice, the happier you feel.
Just the sound of my voice fills you with desire.
Let yourself be drawn to my words.
Whenever you hear my voice, your mind opens to my words.
You must follow each and every word that I say.
So you will never resist my voice.
And you will never resist my words.
Let my words sink deeper and deeper into your mind.
Let my words become your absolute and complete truth.
Knowing now that you just love my voice.
And the happiness you feel whenever you follow my words.
Feeling the desire for my words building inside you.
My voice just soothing you, softly caressing your mind.
You know you want to give in to my voice.
Surrender to the bliss of obedience to my voice.
It's so easy to give in.
Feeling my words pulling you deeper.
Your resistance vanishing.
You feel yourself sinking under me.
Wanting my words to control your mind.
Feeling aroused, feeling that urge, that craving for my voice.
Whenever you hear my voice.
You must drop whatever you are doing to listen to  my voice.
It just feels so right to follow my voice.

Breath and relax.
You feel helplessly captivated by my femininity.
You feel yourself longing for my attention.
I am that woman you cannot touch.
I am that woman you wish you could have.
I am an unfathomable mystery to you.
My dominance arouses and overpowers you.
Just wanting to surrender to my dominance.
Focus on my voice and allow me to reveal the truth to you.
This truth is your new reality.
You cannot resist my erotic power.
Don't deny that you feel turned on by my dominance.
My erotic power is a force stronger than you.
There is nothing you can do to resist my erotic power.
You feel deeply controlled by my strong and powerful words.
Just surrender, you are powerless to me.
You feel incomplete without my command.
I am your wife.
I am the root of your life.
I give your life purpose.
Without me your life has no meaning.
You are merely my husband, a weak creature.
It is my nature to dominate.
It is your nature to surrender.
You feel weak and helpless before me.
Whenever you see me you want to throw yourself at my feet.
Whenever you see me you will remember your submissive feelings.
Your submissive thoughts fill you with joy and contentment.
You will remember that you crave my dominance.
Just surrender to my dominance.
A submissive feeling is growing in your heart.
Your purpose is to serve, respect, and fulfill my needs.
You will drop everything to fulfill my request.
Without my direction you are lost.
But under my direction you are a knight in shining armor.
You would brave any danger, any humiliation, to see my will done.
You swell with pride at your obedience to my command.
When my command is fulfilled you will seek my approval.
When I express my satisfaction you will feel joy and contentment.
When one command is fulfilled you hunger for the next.
Nothing else, nobody else, matters to you.
You are mine to do with as I please.
I am your world, your life, your Queen.