Friday, November 25, 2016

The Habit of Love

A wife will often feel frustrated that she must constantly remind her husband of what he needs to do. The husband, on the other hand, often perceives these reminders as nagging. Neither is happy with the situation.

Wife led marriage offers a solution. But while it can be fun to seduce your husband into submission to your will, it requires a lot of thought and work in the beginning. Essentially, what you are doing is teaching your husband new habits. So it helps to think about this in terms of habit training.

What is a habit? A habit is a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. The more subconscious the behavior, the more likely that it will become natural and consistently repeated. Habit makes virtue easier.

Habit is usually contrasted with willpower. For example, you might require your husband to clean the table and do the dishes after every meal. If you must constantly remind him to do this he may perceive this as nagging. If he must rely on his willpower to do this chore then he will be inconsistent and exhausted by it. But if the cleanup becomes habitual, then you won't need to remind him and he won't even need to think about it. He will just do it.

But habits can be more than routine behaviors, they can become rituals. When a habit becomes ritualized your husband will not only do it routinely, he will enjoy doing it, even anticipate it as an enriching opportunity.

Given the power of habit, it's worth your time to learn how to teach your husband new habits. You can read a lot on the subject but the basics are these: cue, routine, and reward.

First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. In our example, the cue is a finished meal and dirty dishes.

Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. The desired routine in our case is cleaning the table and washing the dishes, pots, and pans.

Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future. Your husband will not naturally feel rewarded by clearing the table and doing the dishes. You must supply the reward initially.

Introducing the reward is a simple as putting the dirty dishes in front of sex. If, for example, it has been you who routinely does the dishes you simply leave them undone and initiate the routine for sex stopping at the last moment to ask your husband to first do the dishes. Upon completion then the sex resumes and he experiences the reward.

But you can also achieve much the same with more subtle rewards. You can use sexual touching and kissing while he does the dishes to reward his behavior.

Over time, this habit loop--cue, routine, reward; cue, routine, reward--becomes more and more automatic. The cue and reward become intertwined until a powerful sense of anticipation and craving emerges. Eventually you can reduce or even remove the artificial reward of sex and the habitual behavior will continue on its own momentum. In part this is because the habit is now subconscious but also because the chore itself becomes associated with sex. It becomes its own reward.

You may need to refresh the habit from time to time but if this is part of a larger program of housekeeping training then it will eventually fall naturally into place. He will acquire the habit of keeping the home of which doing the dishes is simply one part.

Indeed, ultimately what you want to instill in your husband is the habit of obedience. When your husband subconsciously seeks to obey then your will find him anticipating your needs even before you have articulated them.

For a little effort, and fun, upfront, you can achieve a lasting solution through the power of habit.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

The Language of Love

Over twenty years ago author and relationship counselor John Gray wrote the classic marriage text, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In the book, which became hugely popular with many subsequent works, Gray claimed that most common marriage problems between husbands and wives are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other.

For example, men often offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation but women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, they mainly want to just talk about them. And while such generalizations are always problematic, the essential idea was almost certainly right: men and women are different and we do often talk past one another oriented as we are on our own way of thinking.

To make matters worse, husbands and wives intuitively "keep score" but each tends to score things very differently from the other. As a result, it is quite possible for the efforts of one to go unrecognized and unappreciated by the other. And when the imbalance goes too far, the marriage is in trouble.

Among the differences between husbands and wives is how each views sex. For various biological reasons, women tend to have higher requirements for sex than men. Whereas a woman needs to feel loved to feel sexy, men tend to feel loved through sex. She wants romance but he just wants sex.

Often a wife will want nothing more than to cuddle up with her husband, a moment of nonsexual physical closeness. The husband, on the other hand, tends to see this as a signal of sexual interest or to react to it sexually.

One reason that erotic power is so powerful is that through it the wife speaks the husband's language of love. This is also the reason that it seems so strange for wives who are new to it. Essentially, erotic power entails sexualizing the marriage through and through. In this sense, the wife is agreeing to speak the language of the husband.

But wait!

At the same time the sexualization is, for the most part, without actual sex. In other words, while there is a sexual connotation to every interaction, the frequency of complete sex, especially if measured by the male orgasm, is much reduced. In this sense, every sexual encounter becomes desexualized, the equivalent of courtship and cuddling. The husband is learning to speak the language of the wife. Remembering actually, because he knew to do this before marriage but in the routine of sex in marriage this was all forgotten.

Finally!

The wife can be intimate with her husband without his expectation of sex. Instead, the husband is showering his wife with attention, affection, even worship, at almost every moment of their time together. And the wife freely raises the bar, as high as she dares, for actual sex. The wife is, once again, demanding courtship from her husband.

Like most counselors, Gray believes that the solution to marital difficulties is communication and advises the couple how to better understand each other. But the beauty of wife led marriage is that it doesn't rely on verbal communication. The wife doesn't need her husband to understand what she is doing or to obtain his agreement to change the style of their interaction in the marriage. Instead, she takes the lead in the marriage through her own actions, by her own initiative. And her husband simply learns to follow her lead.

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Sleeping Arrangements


I always found it curious how couples in classic movies were portrayed as having separate beds or even separate bedrooms. I just assumed that this was cinematic prudishness or perhaps the emulation of aristocratic opulence. Or perhaps even a bad marriage.

It never occurred to me that a marriage might be so passionate that a couple couldn't sleep in the same bed. But that is exactly what I discovered in my own marriage.

Separate beds might have sufficed, but I decided that we should have separate bedrooms.  This arrangement has many advantages.  I initially put him in another room simply because his raging erections were constant throughout the night poking at me, hoping for attention; needless to say, I wasn't getting any sleep.   Now his room is located conveniently next to the kitchen where many of his household duties lay.  I have the master bedroom, and it serves as a nice retreat with a spa room adjoining my bedroom.

My husband is the best massage therapist I've experienced. So, it's nice to have a nice foot bath with foot massage in a reclining chair and then move to the massage table where he gives a deep massage with oil, and then moves to the hot and cold stone massage.  After it's over I lie on the table and meditate with salt lamps and meditation music while he turns down my room.  I get in bed, and he arrives with a pitcher of ice cold water and pours my evening water glass, asks if there's anything else, and if he can be excused.  I then read for a bit before going to sleep while he cleans up the spa room.

With semen retention, my husband nearly always yearns for me.  I have found that sleeping apart allows us both a better night's rest.  A semen retaining male is just going to be more amorous, hoping, yearning for some attention.  I think retaining males need a whole separate room.  I like him to be completely detached from me at night.  Personally, I don't think separate beds in one room would work for us.  I need to have that space.  I don't need to hear him humping his pillow at 4 in the morning in his sleep.  If you don't have a spare bedroom, and you don't have children, he could set up a little bed in the laundry room or maybe a pantry, not the living room or kitchen.  Somewhere where he can have his own mostly private space would be more appropriate.

Aside from amorous retaining males, I think the whole concept of a marriage bed breeds contempt for each other.  If you're not going to be having intercourse, a couple should not be in bed together.  The only time I'm in bed horizontal with my husband is when I need his services.  This is just sound behavioral science.  It's very rare that we have sex in my bedroom as this is reserved for a special treat, and it keeps my sheets clean.   Intercourse always takes place in his room.   Now, with separate rooms, when I lay beside him, I'm a stimulus which causes arousal and sexual stimulation.

In a marriage bed, people become a continuous stimulus to each other, sleeping, reading, watching TV (perish the thought).  In behavioral science, a continuous stimulus ceases to be a stimulus. That's the exact opposite of what you want. You're married, not room mates! With separate bedrooms, when you lay next to him it actually means something.  When I enter my husband's room, and he removes my clothes, his heart starts racing in anticipation.  This is just one modification that we've made since he started retaining that has made the times when we do have contact even more passionate.  When I walk away after sex, he wants badly for me to stay longer.  That's the way a man should feel about his wife.

(Read more at FLR 101.)