Courtly Love

What is marriage?

Such a seemingly simple question is, in fact, delicately complex.

The history of marriage suggests a variety of possible answers. Naturally, there is a modern answer to the question, a set of common assumptions that contemporary couples regard as definitive, indeed eternal. Modern marriage is characterized by two essential features: romantic love and equality of the spouses.

Needless to say, it was not always so. And, thus it need not always be so. I say this because many are understandably confused by the very concept of wife led marriage. Many wives otherwise suited to the arrangement resist it because they cling to an ideal of marriage that they take to be essential and timeless or, at least, to represent the end point of a historical progression.

To better understand wife led marriage let's look at an older idea: courtly love.

Courtly love, as described in medieval European literature, is a conception of love modeled on the feudal relationship between a knight and his lord consisting of obedience, loyalty, and submission. Courtly love was the affection of a knight toward a lady of the court. The most famous and familiar example of courtly love was that of Sir Lancelot for Queen Guenevere.

In the tradition of courtly love, the woman was in complete control of the relationship. The knight's love for his lady inspired him to do great deeds in order to be worthy of her love and to win her favor. He was ever lovesick for his lady. The knight subjected himself humbly to his lady and treated her with the utmost courtesy and respect. The lady, by contrast, not only owed the knight nothing but might well ignore him altogether. The knight was often content with a one-sided love affair, what we would today call a crush.

Now the parallel is imperfect but hopefully it can serve to expand our concept of marriage to include those led by a wife. Unlike courtly love, a wife led marriage is a romantic love within a formal marriage. But in many other ways, the resemblance is uncanny.

The most important feature of a wife led marriage is, of course, that the wife leads the marriage. This can mean different things to different couples but whatever is meant by it, it is not an egalitarian marriage. The wife assumes a position of control and authority within the marriage much like the lady in courtly love. There is no pretense that the husband has an equal say in matters.

A second feature of wife led marriage is that the wife manipulates the husband without hesitation or mercy. Whatever the wife needs from the husband, she obtains by whatever means are at her disposal. Typically, and ideally, this entails the exercise of erotic power over her husband as it is the most effective way to nullify the male ego and overcome his resistance to her authority.

And while a wife led marriage includes romantic love, it is not a symmetric love. The wife, as head of the family, is primarily concerned with the welfare of the marriage and the family. She directs her husband toward choices that benefit the marriage. She does not allow her love for her husband to diminish her responsibility for the marriage. Through erotic power she keeps her husband in a perpetual state of lovesickness, leaving him always a little unsure of his standing before her.

By contrast, the husband is focused entirely upon obeying and serving his wife. He trusts his wife to tell him what needs to be done for the sake of the family and he humbly submits to her authority in the marriage. His love for her is like the love of the knight for his lady without expectation of an equal return of affection. He is always looking for ways to win her favor and is ever fearful of falling from her grace.

This does not mean, of course, that the love of the wife for the husband is in any way less than that of the husband for the wife. It is just that they are very different in their nature.

To be sure, the comparison of wife led marriage to courtly love is imperfect but it suffices as an alternative model to that of modern marriage. A wife who feels reluctant to transform her marriage might well find inspiration in the medieval literature of courtly love to indulge her inner Queen.