A wife wants her husband to be sexually frustrated, yes. The more frustrated he is, the more romantic and obedient he becomes. That requires managing his sexual release.
When you are first establishing your authority in the marriage simply finding excuses to not have sex is a powerful way to create the crisis that opens the doors to your ascendancy in the marriage.
But once he has surrendered to you, once he has accepted you as Queen of the household, what then? You don't want to live your marriage in a perpetual state of crisis. You simply want maintain a constant state of sexual tension.
The answer is quite simple: deny release, not sex. We call this intimate denial and it has several benefits.
First, you want to be sexual towards your husband, to tease him, to keep him on the edge as much of the time as possible. This is especially the case when he is doing the household chores. You want to eroticize your marriage in general and his homemaking experience in particular.
And just because he is going without sexual release doesn't mean you should be giving up sex. As I wrote in Asymmetric Sex, you can indulge in many more orgasms than you allow your husband.
But most importantly, sexual intimacy is emotionally reassuring for your husband. Withdrawing sex leads him to feel abandoned. Even if you are reassuring him verbally he will subconsciously feel neglected. But if you engage in regular sex with him that happens not to end with his release his emotional experience is altogether different. He is sexually frustrated, yes, but emotionally satisfied
He experiences intimate denial as a happy frustration. He learns to enjoy his frustration, his deep desire for you, his willingness to move heaven and earth for you. You answer his desire for sex with incomplete sex that is playful and teasing but also a demonstration of both your affection and your firm authority in the marriage. He is reminded, again, that you are in command and that he is in submission to your will.
Ideally you will have some long-term schedule of release planned, say once or twice a month, but you will keep him always guessing as to when any particular sexual encounter will end with his release. In this way he is always guessing and hoping but never expecting or demanding.
What it boils down to is that you are saying "yes" to sex and "no" only to his final release. Rather than halting at the start of intimacy you are allowing it to proceed all the way up to, but not including, his final release. You both enjoy the full experience of sexual intimacy. And to the extent that he desires more sex, as he surely will, you can allow, even encourage it.
The more you deny sexual release, the more sexual intimacy you need to provide.
Thank you for writing such an insightful post!
ReplyDeleteThe timing of your post is just perfect, as this topic just came up again for us last night.
My girlfriend has noticed that I would get emotionally bent when she would deny me for a week or two, and pretty much backed off. I've felt like a bit of a failure in this area for sure.
Reading your post has given me a whole new perspective that we can talk about.
Thank you!
"you will keep him always guessing as to when any particular sexual encounter will end with his release"
ReplyDeleteWe have a release schedule, at her preference. It doesn't guarantee anything, it just means that I can make a request at regular times. She decides whether and how based on whatever criteria she wants to apply, but the main one is how well I've been adhering to the letter and spirit of our contract. It works for us.
Being perpetually aroused and knowing that there would be no release reminds me of when my wife and I were dating, a few decades ago. We both agreed that we would consummate our marriage on our wedding night. This did not mean that I did not push the boundaries of acceptable behavior at every opportunity I was given.
ReplyDeleteThis sexual tension was lost once we were married. Our focus went for being on each other to the kids, jobs and other commitments that always seemed to be more important. Any denial was no longer mutually agreed upon or even understood. There were nights, years and maybe even decades of frustration.
Now, the kids are no longer at home, we are both comfortable with our rungs on the corporate ladder and the other commitments have mostly been met.
Today, my wife is the center of my life. My days begin and end with thoughts on how I can make her life better. Our love for each other is undeniable but the sexual passion is gone. The details of everyday life are met. We lack for nothing, but I long for more.
Even though my body is not able to respond as it did, my mind has so much more knowledge to draw upon. From this knowledge come dreams of passion. They are not fantasies from the past for the girl I dated but hoped for realities with the wife I love.
I long for this wonderful lady, who demands to be in control of so many aspects of our everyday life, to desire and take control of this aspect of our relationship; to set the boundaries and return us to the passion of our youth.
It's never too late to rekindle it. Give your wife a copy of my book.
DeleteReally great post. I think I will find this forever fascinating - how the husbands/males "work". Valuable stuff thank you!
ReplyDeleteMy husband found this site and introduced me to it, and I must say it’s really interesting. I have already been doing this with my husband for almost a year, though I have set an ejaculation schedule, and he knows when he's due for ejaculation contingent on his attitude and behavior. Semen retention is so important for the male not only for his attitude in the relationship, but for his health too. I think he gets too depleted when he cums to much, and it certainly effects almost every aspect of our relationship if he’s masturbating in private.
ReplyDeleteHe says he wants to go back to the way it was before, but frankly, I can't really imagine being in a relationship with a man that doesn't practice semen retention. I tell him I would lose respect for him if he decided not to continue which is true. I came across this from the eastern traditions of spiritual practice where semen retention is common. We tried it, and the experience brought intensity into our marriage that hadn’t been there for years. I took control of his ejaculation schedule because frankly he would opt for ejaculation every time in the heat of the moment if I didn’t. I did need to institute consequences for unauthorized ejaculation which may seem unpalatable to some women but if it’s done right, it only needs to be done rarely. It’s really for his own good, and he understands that. Women really need to take control if we’re going to reap the intense rewards of male semen retention. And the rewards are intense!! If you want emotional bonding , and a man that craves you, you need to learn learn these few simple concepts. You’d be surprised with how much respect a man treats a woman who controls his ejaculation schedule.
I used to think it’s none of my business what he does with himself in private. I couldn’t have been more wrong because he was stealing the passion from our relationship every time he jerked off. I really can’t stress for all women enough that they need to find out how much their man is masturbating and make it clear to him how important it is to you that he stop, and also get him to admit how much he views porn, and take control of that as well. Of course this all depend on truth and honesty. Luckily we have that as a foundation in our relationship. I realize men are men, and I’m not opposed to giving him 15 minutes of free computer time once in a great while if his chores are done and his attitude has been great.
If you haven't already done so, read The Book (upper right hand link). It will give you many tips on how to seduce him into this lifestyle even he already knows the game.
DeleteMadam,
ReplyDeleteAs much as I must admit to having enjoyed your post a lot I must be open and say I hate the idea of orgasm control and think in real life (not fantasy) it is not very different from nutrition control (as in starving someone to make them more obedient through retaining food). I regard orgasm as a natural and needed function of the body and only each individual knows or can know when and how much they need and, furthermore, I think a person who is submissive should be able to be submissive REGARDLESS and not BECAUSE of orgasm control.
But please put that criticism aside for the following questions:
Besides orgasm control, what other forms of punishment do you use? Any physical ones? In what type of cases have you used them?
Thank you a lot for your contributions to the Femdom community through this blog.
You'll find the best answers to this question in my book, linked above.
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