Why Do You Hesitate?

I have been practicing wife led marriage for almost two decades. By now it is as natural to me as breathing. And, yet, I look around at so many failed marriages that could be successful if the wife would only give it a try.

To understand why more wives hesitate to explore their own erotic power it is much easier to begin with those women who are more willing.

Let us begin with the naturally dominant woman. Although for reasons of biology and culture women are, on average, less dominant than men, still, overall, by sheer dent of numbers and probability, it is frequently the case that the wife's will is stronger than her husband's. You've all met, I'm sure, women who show no hesitation to voicing their opinions in mixed company. And domineering women have long been the brunt of jokes; they have always existed.

On the opposite side, there are naturally submissive men. While culture encourages men to dominate their wives even if they are weak in every other aspect of their lives, there are some men who are comfortable with the fact that they are less willful than their wives and who are happy to allow their wives to tell them what to do. Wives who sense this often step into the power vacuum and do so.

On a sadder note, there are far too many marriages in grave difficulty and on the road to divorce. Sometimes wives recognize the situation in time and open up to unorthodox methods to solve their marital problems.

But while the above may dispose a woman to exploring her erotic power, still, there is one additional essential ingredient: comfort with sexuality. Women who are confident about their own sexuality are much more willing to explore their own erotic power.

So what is holding wives back? I have identified several ideas that stand in the way of wife led marriage.

The most obvious and common is simple caution. A cautious person will prefer almost any present difficulty to the risk of losing ground. That applies ten-fold where one's marriage is concerned. Sadly, this risk aversion extends even to many women in failed marriages: they would rather go through divorce than test their erotic power.

Much of this risk aversion flows from another hurdle: tradition. Cultural tradition places women in a particular position in marriage. The old tradition held that a wife should submit to her husband. Modern tradition holds that women should aspire to equality with men. But there is no tradition of women leading men in marriage. And, further, sex in marriage is traditionally regarded as something to be kept to a minimum in the bedroom. Ironically, there is far more sexual liberation outside of marriage than within!

Then there is the desire for normality. Let's be honest, a wife led marriage is not normal. Erotic power is not normal. Everyone is not doing it. To take your marriage down this path is to diverge significantly from the herd.

And, truth be told, erotic power is a fantastical idea. An older woman, especially, will find it hard to believe that she could wield such power over her husband. It's all too easy to dismiss what you have not tried.

Moreover, culture teaches ideals and many of these ideals run counter to erotic power.

The most common ideal of marriage is the idea of romance: a woman and a man love each other and dedicate their lives to each other in a bond of mutual respect and admiration. Erotic power upsets this ideal by enabling the wife to have a disproportionate influence in the marriage and over her husband. And while people happily romanticize seduction into marriage they are shocked at the idea of seduction within the marriage.

In a similar vein, a wife may recoil at erotic power out of deference to her husband's autonomy. Modern ideals of human autonomy discourage coercion and celebrate the unencumbered life. Live and let live. A wife may insist, for example, that her husband should freely choose to do things for her, not be coerced or seduced into it. Erotic power is, after all, a power and, as the belief goes, coercive.

Perhaps the most formal impediment to erotic power is the egalitarian ideal. After struggling for sexual equality for decades women are naturally hesitant to throw that away for a position of dominance in their own marriage. They want to be equal partners with their husbands. How can you be equal to someone you dominate?

Lastly, sexuality is a very difficult subject for many women for a variety of reasons. Many wives are, quite frankly, uncomfortable with their own sexuality and with the difference between men and women in this regard. They would much rather relegate sex to the bedroom where it is kept in a small box only to be opened when absolutely necessary. Wives tend to be far more comfortable nagging than seducing.

And, yet, you would have a very difficult time finding a wife who doesn't, in her heart, believe that her marriage would be far better if only her husband would listen to her more often. She would be happier and, truth be told, he would too. If only he would do what she says!

Wives recognize that, in many ways, they are better decision makers than their husbands. They want to have more control over their marriages and even over their husbands. But for the above reasons they are totally uncomfortable with their own desire for control. They deny, avoid, and suppress it and suffer the consequences.

My hope is that in identifying the various reasons that you may hesitate to explore erotic power in your marriage I may prompt you to rethink your own preconceptions and ideals.

After all, how valuable can an idea be if it destroys your marriage?