A Guide to Marrying Down

According to a recent study, marriage rates have been declining over the past few decades because there are fewer economically-attractive men.

Now there are a number of presuppositions behind that research conclusion. Let's take a moment to unpack them.

First, women are attracted to men according to their economic status. All else being equal, a man with a job, or good job prospects if still in school, is more attractive than a man without either. A man with a salaried job is more attractive than a man working for minimum wage. A musician, a movie star, a wealthy businessman, or a powerful politician is the most attractive man of all.

Second, this economic attraction is relative not only among men but between men and women. Nothing much has changed among men in the last couple decades. The changes have been with women. Specifically, women are more educated and successful than ever before in human history. Women are not marrying because they find that they have surpassed so many potential mates in education and in the workplace and they find them less attractive for marriage.

Third, men are contributing to this as well. Men do not find educated and successful women more attractive. At least, they don't weigh these factors as highly as women do. In spite of decades of feminist browbeating, men are, for the most part, still picking out potential mates the way they always have: according to their physical beauty and personality. Only after these do men rank women according to their education and success. But even there the tendency for men is to exclude from marital consideration women who are more educated and successful than they are.

Fourth, men still prefer women who have not had many prior sexual partners. If, during your pursuit of education and your advance in the workplace, you have gone through a series of sexual relationships, no matter how serious and genuine, men are going to find you less attractive.

If you don't change something then your chances of marrying will be significantly reduced. You will be at risk of joining the growing ranks of women who never find a husband.

Of course, the natural response to this situation is to compromise. If you can't find your ideal husband then you will have to settle for something less. Sadly, too women are making the wrong compromises or, worse, leading lives of denial well past their marriage years.

The first thing you should realize is that time is not your friend. Unlike men, women do not benefit by waiting to get married. The things you gain, education and success in the workplace, are not valued and the things you lose, youth and beauty, are. Additionally, the longer you wait, the greater the chance that you will not have children even if you do get married. So while you should not rush into marriage with the first available man you meet, you should be looking with an intent to marry and selecting dates on that basis.

Beyond that, you will face some hard choices.

One option is to give up your career and higher standard of living to marry a man and live on the level of income that he can provide. That might make for a romantic novel but it's not especially appealing to most educated women. 

Another option is to look for a husband who is comfortable earning less than you do. To make for a successful marriage he will need to bring something more to the table than his sperm. A man who is good with children, for example, might be able to spend that extra time with them that allows you to pursue your career.

Another option is to find a slightly younger husband who is awed by you. There will be at least a hint of a mother-child relationship in this marriage so be certain that he respects his mother.

Another option is to find a man whose work is so different that you and he are less tempted to make economic comparisons. For example, if you hold a professional position in medicine or law and he does physical labor, such as construction or works in a field for which economics is not the measure, such as art or political activism, then he can be confident in his role even when he is earning less than you do.

Of course, you should be looking for all the things you would if you were marrying up but in particular, avoid men with fragile egos. Even if he seems confident around you while you are dating, his economic inferiority will grate on him until, eventually, he harms the marriage, himself, or even you. Watch how he treats you and others when he is embarrassed. Don't be afraid to test his reaction to embarrassing situations.

Look, instead, for men with a good sense of humor and genuine humility. You are looking for a man who will be comfortable in a marriage where he is the economically inferior partner. Look for a man who is not afraid to make a fool of himself or to be made the fool by others.

Look at his male friends and how he interacts with them. Are they married or dating seriously? Are they respectful of women? Does he feel the need to justify himself to them?

Look at his female friends. Does he have any? Are they respectable women? Are they strong and confident around him?

This brings us to the reality of a marriage where the wife outearns the husband. These marriages suffer a high rate of divorce. But these statistics include marriages where the husband initially outearned the wife but fell behind either due to her success or to his misfortune. When the couple is not expecting this outcome it can come as a shock and destabilize the relationship.

But even a married couple that is initially satisfied with a more economically successful wife might be destabilized when children come. At this time, the wife feels the urge to focus on the children and the husband to provide for the family. The wife may come to resent the husband who cannot provide or the husband may lose respect for himself if he cannot and turn to distractions like alcohol or worse. So it is not enough to plan for the marriage, you must also plan for the children.

Finally, if your income is sufficient to support a household, then you should look for a man who is comfortable with the idea of becoming a househusband. You can't always take people at their word, but if you ask directly if this is something that he would consider because this is so counter to social expectations, it is unlikely that he would lie and say 'yes'. So ask before you marry.

If you use your time dating to set expectations and then use the honeymoon period of your marriage to establish your position as the head of the household and become proficient with your erotic power then, when the children come, you will be better prepared to deal with the challenges that you face.

Marrying down is not easy. But given recent trends it is that or the life of a spinster for the vast majority of educated and successful women.