Friday, June 19, 2015

Asymmetric Sex

One of the most surprising aspects of wife led marriage is the asymmetric nature of sex. Few wives can imagine how different their sex life becomes when they assume a position of dominance in the marriage. 

In most marriages sex is essentially symmetric, or at least idealized as such. When one partner is in the mood, usually the husband, he works to arouse the other or, more commonly, simply initiates sex with, if he is in any way a gentleman, the expectation of mutual satisfaction.

But wife led marriage is different.

In a wife led marriage, the wife controls sex. Either she allows her husband to indicate an interest, to which she responds positively or negatively, or she reserves the initiation of sex entirely to herself. In either case, the wife is the gate keeper of sex.

When she does choose to engage in sex, it is primarily focused on her satisfaction. She expects her husband to bring her to orgasm at least once, perhaps more, before there is any possibility of his own.

So every sexual encounter in a wife led marriage arrives at a point where the wife has been satisfied but the husband has not. This makes sense because there is virtually no risk of a healthy husband failing to orgasm during sexual intercourse whereas there is considerable risk that he might before the wife, thus depriving her and ending the intimacy.

The wife's first orgasms, therefore, are achieved by means other than sexual intercourse. The possibilities are endless but usually involve manual or oral stimulation or the use of sex toys.

But just as the wife decides when sex occurs, so does she decide how far it proceeds. In particular, she decides whether sex proceeds beyond her first orgasms. As a routine matter, the husband not only has no expectations about when or whether sex will happen but, as well, how far it will proceed when it does.

As part of the transformation of the marriage, the wife may be scaling back her husband's orgasms and, at the same time, increasing her own.

How far can this go?

Well, let us suppose that you decide to allow your husband an average of one orgasm a week. At the same time, you might indulge yourself each night. That would result in a ratio of 7:1.

But you might allow him as few as a couple orgasms a month while you enjoy a quickie in the morning, another after work, and a more intimate and prolonged encounter in the evening. That is a ratio approaching 50:1.

These ratios, while interesting, are irrelevant. Once you pass beyond 5:1 there is really no longer any meaningful connection between your orgasms and his, they become entirely different matters: his are a strict matter of discipline, the exact frequency that brings about optimal adoration and obedience while you can enjoy as many as you wish. In fact, the more sexual intimacy, the better for the marriage.

That might seem incredible but for the fact that as you become ever more proficient in exercising erotic power in your marriage, your husband begins to derive ever greater happiness from your satisfaction. He will crave that morning quickie as much as you!

Needless to say, this extreme asymmetry does not come about overnight. It develops naturally over time so that, gradually, eventually, both of you come to regard wife-centered sex as a normal aspect of wife led marriage.

23 comments:

  1. How true those words are. I can say that in the years since we first embraced a wife led marriage, our bedroom pattern has changed dramatically from the usual 'we have sex until I orgasm' and 'it's about me' mentality, to that of not wanting/not permitted to orgasm and loving every time Katie wants to be intimate. There is nothing better in my mind than focusing on pleasing her. What we found as a by product of her assuming control is that she experiences no pressure to perform. She enjoys me when she wants and I've come to learn to accept her 'not nows' as being OK. If you've never tried this, there is no way to explain the mental transformation that comes with making love with the intent to give rather than get. But to those men that think I'm nuts, let me say, you get far more than you ever would doing it the 'old way'.
    Nice post!

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  2. 7:1, 50:1??? I'm curious, what was the ratio before you started FLR? Is it really necessary to limit the man's orgasms in order to by fully satisfied?

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    1. The purpose of limiting the husband's orgasms is not simply to sexually satisfy the wife. It is far too complex to explain here. Read the book.

      The ratio of orgasms in the average marriage is on the order of 2:1 in favor of the husband. The husband has an orgasm every time while the wife, on average across all marriages, maybe half the time. This obscures the fact that the competence of men varies widely and so there are some wives who almost never experience an orgasm and others who are usually satisfied.

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  3. In our case, the reasoning is something like this: "You can't tell the difference between needs and wants. This hasn't been good for us, me, and you. Let's relieve you of that burden -- we'll both be happier." We are, too.

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  4. Asymmetric sex has been one of the aspects of our marriage that has been most surprising to me in its development. Don't get me wrong - I have always been the dominant and leading one in both the relationship and in sex but i have been amazed at how "far" this has gone. I am a bit embarrassed to confess this here but my own satisfaction has become "on demand" and my husband understands that his satisfaction in that way is not a given nor is it "tied" to my own. He is expected to give a great deal of oral and almost whenever I am in that mood. What I think is most unbelievable to me is how this has become a "treat" just for him to do so and that he is so accepting of the fact that it is "just" me who is getting satisfied in that way. I am not a believer in "eliminating" my husbands satisfaction. I am surprised (hugely) by how motivated he is to "just" satisfy me. I don't want to "detail it" here but he has accepted a (very) submissive position in the bedroom and it seems to work well for us. I would expect that by some wives standards the ratio of orgasm I allow him is quite low. I have not counted precisely but essentially his are rare mine are frequent. His are based on behavior and compliance. Mine are based on when I want them. I "demand" (that sounds harsher than I usually am but it is required). He is expected not to request but I will provide something when I feel it is warranted and he has shown me he is deserving. However, even if he is "deserving" it is not by any means guaranteed. Frankly my general mood is always a factor. I do toy with him quite a bit though - to keep him engaged. Lastly, this is not something I would have even believed in my earlier life. I find it immensely satisfying both personally and sexually. I know my husband does too. Is there a degree of frustration for him - absolutely but that is actually a part of what works - I have come to believe.

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    1. Hey Jessica,
      My wife does not have the high libido you describe - I have to give her plenty of foreplay to get her in the mood. But her pleasure always comes first, and I no longer expect or really ask for pleasure any more. Sometimes she simply falls asleep after she climaxes. Other times she will tease me and then simply say, "OK, time for bed".

      It is really surprising to me how turned on I am simply by pleasuring my wife. If your hubby is anything like me, it is very enjoyable "work"!

      Cheers
      sherulestherooster

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    2. I tend to be the requestor because my wife likes to exercise the power of saying "yes" or "no". This also a good way for us to test our contract, as I agreed to take no for answer without complaint (which had been an issue.)

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  5. I brought up male orgasm denial to my wife as something to try and it took her a while to wrap her head around it. I think she felt some guilt about it being "all about her".

    For us, it isn't so much whether I deserve it or not, it's more about the sub-drop I get after I climax. It's basically an orgasm hangover. I feel sluggish and withdrawn. She doesn't experience that at all.

    Our long term average is about 3:1 in her favor. What really lowered the ratio is that my wife used to always climax twice with each session, but for reasons I don't fully understand, she stops at one now.

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  6. My opinion is perhaps radically. I think that the male orgasm harmful to a female centric relationship. Women should gradually abolish the male orgasm. Ejaculation without orgasm once a month or even better once in two months is the best in my opinion. Male behavior becomes much better. The frequent male orgasms are definitely not good. If you donot abolished male orgasm, it should occur seldom (anniversary, birthday ..)

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    1. I agree with the problems you cite but I can't agree that abolishing the male orgasm is ideal. Aside from the obvious procreative function, the abolishment of the orgasm robs the husband of hope and leads, typically, to frustration and misbehavior. In fact, there seems to be an optimal rate which is far more restrictive than generally practiced but, nevertheless, more than never.

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    2. I agree with you that a woman has to be manipulative, and to change male behavior for the better. First, to clarify some terms. When I say the male orgasm, I mean the male full orgasm.
      Male full orgasm is harmful and should be replaced with ruined orgasm. The nature of man is to give, women's nature is to take.
      Male orgasm denial reinforces man's desire to sexually and not sexually satisfy his wife. Long term orgasm denial It has a better effect than short orgasm denial. In the beginning long term orgasm denial is frustrating for men. The abolition of the full orgasm and permanent positive reinforcement that tension in testicles is excelent because it increases his desire, completely canceled frustration and creates new frustration. He is frustrated when he not have tension in testicles.
      My orgasm became his orgasm too. He often has a strong mental orgasm when I have an orgasm.
      Houseworks becoming his second source of pleasure. His desire to sartisfy me in many ways is strong. He is frustrated if he can not to realize that desire.

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    3. Everything you say here is true but, nevertheless, it is unnecessarily dangerous to entirely extinguish the full male orgasm. What we are debating is the length of denial. Ruined orgasm and other similar techniques reduce frustration, if only temporarily, just as full orgasm does. My observation has been that beyond a certain point of denial (e.g. once per month) no further benefit is realized and risks of lost hope and frustration start to arise.

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    4. Frustration can be removed. If he often thinks about his orgasm, Of course he will be frustrated. I've talked to him many times that I really love when his testicles are heavy and full of sperm. That it is actually energy and desire. I'd crossed a gentle by hand across his testicles. I would leave to fulfill his desire and orally satisfy me. After his orgasm I would talk to him to I do not like his empty testicles and absence of desire.
      He is no longer frustrated during the period of denial, but yes after orgasm. Manipulation? Yes, but he really enjoys.

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    5. I can tell you from my personal experience, that after being denied intercourse and fellatio for long enough, even a male with a very high libido will eventually find his brain rewired. When I am aroused now, what I crave is not my own orgasm, but a chance to please my wife. I crave cunnilingus now far more than intercourse. Giving Her pleasure is now my ultimate fetish. I'll admit it took a long time to get to this point, with resentments and physical pain from trying many male chastity devices before settling on one. But the end result is worth it. I would now happily sacrifice orgasms for the rest of my life, just for the pleasure of giving Her more of them.

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  7. Great discussion. I am not sure I could agree to totally abolish the male orgasm. I absolutely have come to agree in restricting it very, very, substantially. Maria, I like your take on some of this. I like that you talk openly to him about liking him "heavy and full". I am not clear - you do or do not allow the orgasm for him? It sounds like you deny but eventually allow? I have moved to 99% restriction but not elimination. We also have copious "asymetric" sex where I am the sole focus and he is giving oral. It is by far the most common engagement we have.

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  8. Maria,

    I think I know what you mean when you say your husband can have a "mental orgasm" while giving oral worship. I find it pretty wild. My husband can sometimes "beg" to give me oral worship in a manner not dissimilar to the way he used to plead for sex. I am usually okay with him pleading to give oral (sometimes this becomes a devious game and he gets quite desperate in it) but I do not allow (at all) him pleading or begging for sex. I think I do agree with you that male orgasm should be very, very, significantly restricted. I am not sure I could see totally 100 percent elimination (though part of me loves the idea!). This may sound a bit "fem dom" and it is not specific on this issue but I have come to think in terms of his genitals belong to me. They are my "property" - while of course they are quite attached to him I have (and I know he has as well) begun to think of them as literally belonging to me. It is related to the "balls in her purse" concept. I feel as though if his penis belongs to me
    well, then, so does he. It is really absolute control. It may sound "mean" but it keeps his life going well - not only mine.

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    1. The mental orgasm phenomenon is very real; as our sex life became more and more 'asymmetric' I began to equate my own pleasure with pleasing my wife. This lead to where not only was I begging to go down on her (much to her delight), but I was also asking to do more and more (chores, hours of foot and back rubs, etc) just to feel the pleasure that came from pleasing her. This has eventually lead to the inevitable conclusion for her that 100 percent elimination may be ideal, though I have pointed out to her that the 'relief' I get from ironing, painting her toes or even hours in front of her on my knees while she reads or relaxes is not quite the same. But at this point I'm thankful for what I can get!

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  9. For us, the key to wife-led marriage is orgasm control, once that is implemented, everything else just falls into place. My wife and I are at about a 15:1 ratio (I'm allowed about once a month and she climaxes usually every other day). At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, orgasm control has been the best thing to happen in the bedroom. We have sex 3-4 times a week (mostly penetrative, at my wife's direction) and it is mind-blowing. I really do understand how I get pleasure by giving it. I feel so much better than I used to, I'm more productive at work and home, I'm not a constant pessimist, my depression is non-existent, I'm motivated to exercise and lose weight. My wife is happy for obvious reasons, we are both connecting so much better in the bedroom and she gets a kinder, more attentive husband. We both wish we had discovered orgasm control years ago. To those naysayers, give it an honest try, don't knock until you've tried it.

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  10. Sex is symmetrical, but orgasms are asymmetrical. As it should be. The woman is a goddess, man should be a strong focus to satisfy his wife sexually and otherwise. It is a condition for harmonious FLR relationship

    Before marriage I was addicted to porn and masturbation. In FLR relationship is basic to avoid male masturbation. I wear a chastity belt.
    Control of the male orgasm is the next step. When husband ejaculate he loses energy and interest for his wife.
    My wife teasing me every day about half an hour. My denial period is about 2 months. During denial I have a strong tension in the balls, I'm always excited. All I want is to satisfy my wife.
    When I get an orgasm, suddenly disappears my energy and all desires for my wife. It takes days for me to recover from orgasm and to again have strong desire to satisfy my wife. Ruined orgasm is better. After such an orgasm takes me half a day to back on-line. My wife loves that after denial I get ruined orgasm.

    I like emotional stability, which provides long term orgasm denial and ruined orgasm to me. I do not like large fluctuations in hormones and strong emotions.

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  11. This is a really good conversation. I agree with those who said they had a hard time wrapping one's mind around denying one's partner from climaxing. It took me a while to take the ownership of my partner's climax and took him a VERY long time to accept my decision without whining or begging. With us, I had to get over guilt and learn to punish him when he raised the issue unless I specifically gave him permission to raise it. Over time, it has been a game changer. My love is now always ready to fully satisfy me and do as I say in the bedroom and now admits he has a better connection with me. Gone are the days when he would secretly engage selfish masturbation as he had nearly every day since he was a teenage. As many other women mentioned, my love is more focused on my needs, attentive to his chores and pleasing me, and wanting to please. He now says that it's well worth the devotion and that he enjoys sex without 'shooting some white stuff.'

    Rachel

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  12. It is interesting for me to read this article because the physical relationship that my lady and I share is very much asymmetrical. As I read the words Lady Misato uses, like "gatekeeper" and "asymmetrical," I'm guessing I got these ideas from Lady Misato, herself, and then introduced them to my lady during our courtship. Now I see this article and find that I have come full circle.

    My lady and I have different wants and needs. She hates having her body wound up and not being able to have release. I love it. I also love how proactive I feel towards my lady when she does that to me. It has taken her some time to get comfortable with that dynamic. She has suspected that I would "punish" her somehow for playing with me that way, but over time I have won her trust and today she can use my libido as her plaything, keeping me hungry because she knows I will be more eager and proactive about keeping her happy when she does that, and granting me release when she is going to be out of town for a few days or if I'm "too interested in her," for example. She would very much dislike it if I treated her the way I have invited her to treat me. She was abused in a former relationship and wasn't able to say, "No," so it is a great gift for us both for me to be willing to wait on her. It is mutually satisfying.

    I mentioned this to my lady a couple of days ago. I asked her how things would change if I said I wanted a different dynamic with her. Her first response was to laugh say, "Too bad!" A mind stretched to a new idea never returns to its former shape. Then she said, "I would, of course listen to you, but you'd better have a really, really good reason for wanting something to change." After all, I introduced this dynamic to her, myself. Be careful what you wish for. :)

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    1. Your thoughtful comment brings to mind a later post titled "Why Do You Hesitate?". In it I try to examine all the reasons that wives give for resisting this golden opportunity in marriage.

      The Golden Rule is "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and as a first approximation, it is wise counsel. But human relationship dynamics are far too complex to rest on it alone and marriage especially so.

      The reality is that an asymmetric marriage can be a wonderful and powerful choice between a wife and her husband.

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