I believe the main reason is that couples approach marriage as a partnership of equals.
Until recently husbands held the advantage and wives had little or no say in important matters. Women were not allowed to vote in most countries until the 1950s. But things have changed. Women are more independent and capable and confident of making decisions on our own; we are much less worried about our financial independence. Women are now the majority on college campuses. In short we have become the equals of, if not superior to, men in most matters.
This has skewed the marriage dynamic so that any decision big or small becomes a major fight between husband and wife where neither side is willing to budge for the other.
This is why I believe that inequality in a marriage is so important. In every relationship, one partner must dominate the other if those fights are to be avoided and this is the natural resolution. It is part of the Yin and Yang of marriage. In some marriages, one partner takes a dominant position for life while in others the marriage partners changes positions from time to time or from situation to situation. Sometimes when there are two dominant personalities in a relationship, one has to deliberately surrender to the other. Marriage is about making compromises but the dominant spouse gets the final say
I think dominance in marriage is an important but under-appreciated phenomenon. The most stable marriages seem to be those in which dominance is clear throughout. The dominant partner makes all the final decisions, from what to watch on TV in the evening to which car to buy, and the submissive partner acquiesces and assumes a supporting role. If what people expect from marriage is not necessarily everlasting passionate love but a stable partnership that will allow joint ventures such as buying a home and raising children together, or an opportunity to concentrate on one’s career without worrying about house chores, then an asymmetrical relationship with uncontested dominance probably guarantees the best outcome. The secret to a stable marriage is that one of the two spouses must be willing to give up a disproportionate share of control as the price for stability.
I believe it is time that wives embraced a more dominant role and that husbands accepted a more submissive and supporting role in the marriage. All that is required for this to happen is for things to continue on their present trajectory. Instead of wives deciding that we now have equality in marriage and halting their progress we should just keep pushing forward.
I also want to stress that dominance does not mean disrespecting your spouse. On the outside, of course, it may seem very disrespectful, but if you want to make it work and be healthy, you, as the wife, must express love and respect for your submissive husband. We sometimes worry that a submitting husband is going against his nature and is being emasculated. But this is simply not true.
Also remember that just because your husband is allowing you to take the lead in your marriage doesn't mean that he’s less than you. Submission is not synonymous with slavery or abuse. We have to know how to find the right balance.
In a nutshell a healthy marriage is possible, it is however just that it will not be an equal marriage!!
Yes, I agree very much with what you said. What I also believe is that the percentage of men who are happy living under the authority of a strong, confident woman is much higher than anyone would guess. I also wonder about the number of breakups that occur because a wife is not sufficiently dominant with her husband.
ReplyDeleteI would also add that some breakups are the result of men having too much personal freedom as well as too much free cash to spend. In past times the closeness of the community more or less limited the ability of a husband to find trouble. Today, a man on business trip with an expense account is a marriage disaster waiting to happen. By the same token I believe we need to create a safe environment for husbands where by they feel free to communicate their needs to us. A wife should never ridicule her husband for telling her what he wants or needs. We may be mistress wives, but we are still wives.
We are interested in the well being of both of children and our husbands. Sometimes we become so obsessed with the needs of our children that we forget about the husband. As a older teenager my mother taught me that the husband should always come first. He was there before the children, and hopefully will be there when the children grow up.
And, what I believe many women miss is that submissive type men do make wonderful husbands and fathers. A little kink thrown in the mix is never bad for a marriage. If a husband always seems to want to stop for a drink on the way home from work ask yourself why. This is a signal that it might be a good idea to sometimes give him a little treat as a welcome home present. Woman complain that their husbands are no longer attentive. However, often times it us that louse interest. We dress like soccer moms instead of wives.
A pretty nightgown can do wonders for the bedroom. Throw in a toy flogger or handcuffs and while!
Thank you for nice blog. Kathy4563@gmail.com
Thank you for this post, Pooja.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything you have written. I believe that the "idea of" 50/50 equality was somewhat necessary at first to eliminate the traditional views on male-dominated households, but I agree that equal power will fail most of the time. I think the idea of equality becoming popular belief did open the door to the idea of power balance in favor of women that may have not been possible years ago.
When a man worship woman it is natural. The husband should be worshiped wife, and she must help him to achieve a higher level of worship.
ReplyDelete"The most stable romantic relationships and marriages seem to be those in which dominance is clear from the beginning."
ReplyDeleteIn terms of pure "stability," probably. However, that may mean one person feels too helpless and weak to leave.
There's a difference between stability and happiness. I've seen plenty of marriages that are "stable" because there is a weaker partner who is unfulfilled, resentful, and unhappy yet lacks the emotional or psychological strength to leave. That may be stable, but to me it's lousy.
If a person has a natural desire to submit and feels fulfillment in doing so, then stability and happiness are more likely to co-exist. However, submitting for the sake of stability seems like a recipe for unhappiness and failure.
In the political context, dictatorships are known for their stability, but the population is usually miserable.
Steve, you bring up a good point. The dynamic is more complex than "I'm in charge and you submit" bang.... we'll be all happy from now on. It takes the proper mindset by both parties to make this work but the author does make valid points. So much of society is based on a hierarchy structure. There are always leaders and followers. To have no leader within a marital bond seems to violate the natural order of how we relate and interact as a couple/family unit.
DeleteI agree that marriages led by the wife have a higher probability of success. My wife is clearly in charge of our 27 year marriage but it might not look like it to outsiders. She's been a stay at home mom for 20 years and only recently returned to work, I've been the main breadwinner. Decisions are made by us together but if we differ on something, we go with her decision. She decides when it's time to make a major purchase such as a car, I may do the research and state my opinions but ultimately she has the final say. This is what works for us. We both understand our dynamics and we are both extremely happy, because we both understand our place, she is the executive in charge and I am her assistant.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a view on whether WLM's are more successful than "normal" marriages. If I had to guess, I'd say that they are not more or less successful.
ReplyDeleteWhat I know is that *our* marriage is more successful because it is wife-led. It is unequal in the sense that she has the last word, but all things considered, our relationship is balanced.
In some ways, I have it easy: All I have to do is obey her and live up my part of our contract. While I have more chores and restrictions on certain privileges, her responsibilities are equal if less tangible: She has to make many of the decisions that were once often matters of contention. There's a burden that comes with that.
On the other hand, the benefits to her are more visible. What I get out of being in a WLM is can't be seen, but is profound: I like myself better.
My only comment is that, one can divide up the responsibility in less absolute ways than are implied by the following statement:
ReplyDelete"The dominant partner makes *all* the final decisions"
In our case, my wife makes all of the decisions regarding the household and tells me what to do and when to do it.
But I have final say over my career, and if I need to do something for my career - like training or a business trip - then this is where I have the final say.
Of course you have to trust each other.
And so, I think that there are other ways to "slice the pie", so to speak, where each member of the relationship can have the final say on the portion of their shared lives, as long as the lines of responsibility are clearly discussed and understood.
This accords with my experience. There are decisions that she leaves to me because I'm more knowledgable or care more. There are decisions that she makes (for the same reasons), and there are decisions that we always make jointly (such as where to vacation).
DeleteThen there are the others -- and there are more than one might think -- where we'll be going back and forth. When this has gone on long enough as far as she is concerned, she raises her hand. That's my cue to say that "Mistress is always right" and concede the point.
Fumika,
ReplyDeleteWould you please elaborate more on the inequality a marriage should have? This post was about what not to do (an equal marriage) but please talk about what yes to do (how to make it unequal).
This is Pooja's post, so hopefully she will find the time to answer here or in a future post, but the simplest answer is to read my book ("The Book" linked at the top of the right). That is a step-by-step guide for realizing an unequal marriage with you as Queen of the household.
DeleteMy husband has acknowledged that inside himself he feels more comfortable and more "himself" following my authority. We (more he than me) have still not fully determined how to handle our public face of this but it is getting smoother.
ReplyDeleteDear Pooja,
ReplyDeletea refreshing post, one that I completely agree with! People who advocate equality in relationships probably fail to understand the impracticality of constant consensus. I personally feel equality brings with it a need to look for agreement and both parties involved end up compromising to find the overrated 'middle path'.
My wife is the dominant partner in my relationship and I have no qualms in admitting that it works for both of us, given that she has the drive to lead and me the wish to submit.
You have also briefly touched upon another point which I feel is very important and relevant - we already have a trend with more and more women breaking glass ceilings at the workplace and husbands more willing to help at home and support. There is of course still a long way to go, but all we need is for women to simply continue doing more of what they are doing today, specially in countries like India. Men are increasingly finding it difficult to dictate terms, it's good that a better future awaits us.
NR