Intimacy Plus Denial Equals Happy Frustration

Men crave sex. That is one of the most reliable truisms of wife led marriage. The more you wield erotic power in your marriage, the more obsessed your husband becomes with sex, the more devoted he becomes to you.

A wife wants her husband to be sexually frustrated, yes. The more frustrated he is, the more romantic and obedient he becomes. That requires managing his sexual release.

When you are first establishing your authority in the marriage simply finding excuses to not have sex is a powerful way to create the crisis that opens the doors to your ascendancy in the marriage.

But once he has surrendered to you, once he has accepted you as Queen of the household, what then? You don't want to live your marriage in a perpetual state of crisis. You simply want maintain a constant state of sexual tension.

The answer is quite simple: deny release, not sex. We call this intimate denial and it has several benefits.

First, you want to be sexual towards your husband, to tease him, to keep him on the edge as much of the time as possible. This is especially the case when he is doing the household chores. You want to eroticize your marriage in general and his homemaking experience in particular.

And just because he is going without sexual release doesn't mean you should be giving up sex. As I wrote in Asymmetric Sex, you can indulge in many more orgasms than you allow your husband.

But most importantly, sexual intimacy is emotionally reassuring for your husband. Withdrawing sex leads him to feel abandoned. Even if you are reassuring him verbally he will subconsciously feel neglected. But if you engage in regular sex with him that happens not to end with his release his emotional experience is altogether different. He is sexually frustrated, yes, but emotionally satisfied

He experiences intimate denial as a happy frustration. He learns to enjoy his frustration, his deep desire for you, his willingness to move heaven and earth for you. You answer his desire for sex with incomplete sex that is playful and teasing but also a demonstration of both your affection and your firm authority in the marriage. He is reminded, again, that you are in command and that he is in submission to your will.

Ideally you will have some long-term schedule of release planned, say once or twice a month, but you will keep him always guessing as to when any particular sexual encounter will end with his release. In this way he is always guessing and hoping but never expecting or demanding.

What it boils down to is that you are saying "yes" to sex and "no" only to his final release. Rather than halting at the start of intimacy you are allowing it to proceed all the way up to, but not including, his final release. You both enjoy the full experience of sexual intimacy. And to the extent that he desires more sex, as he surely will, you can allow, even encourage it.

The more you deny sexual release, the more sexual intimacy you need to provide.

The Power of Attachment

Human attachment is a powerful psychological force. The attachments we form with others  direct our attention and affections and shape how we relate to one another.

Marriage is traditionally idealized as a relationship of mutual attachment. At the wedding, formally, the husband and wife declare their primary attachment to each other. But in practice wives typically attach themselves to their husbands while their husbands only partially reciprocate that attachment. Husbands, instead, attach themselves to their careers and their professional peers sometimes to the exclusion of their wives.

This is a problem.

As do all people naturally, your husband is intuitively attuned to the social hierarchies of authority around him and he will attach himself to what he perceive to be the authority especially if he feels himself dependent upon that authority.  By contrast, within the marriage, to the extent that he feels himself to be in a dominant role, he will not make that attachment but will, instead, be aggressive and self-centered.

If the wife is dependent on the support of her husband and the husband is dependent on his job then that his how the primary attachments will tend to form. If the wife works outside the home then she may form outside attachments that compete with her husbands leading to a weaker attachment in both directions. Only if the wife is the sole bread winner, and the husband a stay at home Dad, is the husband likely to form a stronger attachment to the wife than is the norm. And even then, if the wife relies on her financial power alone her husband is likely to feel resentment, not affection.

Erotic power changes everything.

As you begin to exercise erotic power in your marriage, you make very explicit your husband's sexual dependency on your good will. Sex is a a potent bonding agent evoking powerful emotions of attachment, especially when it is deliberately rationed and used to reinforce compliant behavior. Erotic power alone is extraordinarily subversive of his sense of independence but it is only the start of the transformation.

The human brain naturally establishes a working hierarchy in any attachment relationship. Your task is simply to establish yourself as the dominant party in that attachment and to encourage your husband to accept a submissive role in that relationship. The submissive party looks up to the dominant party for guidance and direction and allows the dominant party to take responsibility for setting the direction of the relationship and the decisions to be taken within it. And it all begins to happen as soon as you assert your sexual dominance in bed.

The capstone of the transformation is financial dependency. Even if your husband is the sole breadwinner, you can leverage your erotic power to obtain financial control in the marriage by having your husband set up direct deposit of his paychecks into a bank account that only you control. Once you accomplish that then his dependency on you is complete: He is not only sexually dependent on you but also financially. He will need your permission for every expenditure beyond the allowance that you grant him. This dependency makes you his primary attachment; his loyalty to his career is reoriented into a desire to work on behalf of you.

It will likely be gradual but you will notice many changes in his attitude towards you.

His attention will follow this attachment. As your husband begins to make you his primary attachment he will turn his attention primarily to you. He will listen carefully what you say and watch what you do. He will notice your moods and think about how to respond to them.

Once you become his primary attachment he will seek out your company. He will want to be with you all the time. He will long for your physical presence whenever he is apart from you.

The more he attaches to you, the less aggressive and self-centered he will become. He will no longer expect you to follow his lead, or become frustrated when you don't, but will, instead, increasingly follow your lead not only consciously but subconsciously. Eventually it will not even occur to him to make decisions without at least taking your wishes into account and he will seek out your approval before he makes any nontrivial decision.

Attachment reinforces authority by serving as a lubricant to ease submission. Without attachment, your assertions of power and authority in the marriage will tend to work against his ego. The more he recognizes your power as a threat to his ego the more he will be tempted to resist. But his attachment to you will lead him to a more natural and intuitive submission to your authority. What begins awkwardly by your power assertions becomes, through attachment, second nature to him.

By using your erotic and financial power to make yourself his primary attachment you will discover that he becomes attuned to you and naturally submissive to your will. He will gladly do whatever you wish of him.