The Attitude of a Queen

I am often asked: what is the ideal attitude for a wife adopt as she takes the lead in her marriage? Behind this question lies an assumption that to lead in marriage the wife has to be a ball buster. If not mean, at least stern. But you don’t need to become a bitch to wear the pants.

It is true that you will be raising standards and expecting more from your husband but it is crucial how you go about doing that.

Many things in life hinge on your attitude and successful leadership of your marriage is no exception. Nothing will work if you have the wrong attitude.

It is said that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and so it is with leading your husband in marriage. Your emphasis must be on making a presentation of yourself and your aspirations for the marriage. Adopting the right attitude may sound like an exercise in platitudes but you will discover that it is a way of being that is not just better but easier and more natural.

As you begin to take the lead in your marriage you will discover a new voice that may at times shock you. It will not be an inauthentic voice. Rather, you will find yourself expressing things that you had previously suppressed. You will be letting go of inhibitions and rediscovering your youthful vigor.

You will find a new voice as you gain confidence in yourself and your erotic power. A virtuous cycle will develop whereby the more you achieve in your marriage, the more you realize you can achieve, and the more courage you have to achieve still more. The more progress you make in your marriage, the stronger your voice will become.

Finding a new voice implies becoming a new person right down to your core. Assuming the lead in your marriage will change how you think about your marriage, your husband, yourself, and life in general. You will see the world with new eyes and think in ways that would never have occurred to you before.

You may be familiar with the Mistress/slave relationship and often wives imagine that this is what I am proposing. But I prefer, instead, the metaphor of Queen/knight. The problem with the Mistress/slave metaphor is that slavery is an involuntary institution. Slaves are taken into labor by force. By contrast, a knight willingly dedicates himself to the service of his Queen.

A slave stands behind his Mistress with a bowed head. A knight stands in front of his Queen with his hand on the hilt of his sword eyes peering for potential threats. A knight is a votary, a person who takes vows to live a life of service. A knight as protector is always acting in the interest of his Queen. For this reason and others, the Queen/knight metaphor is more accurate and romantic.

Self Righteous Resentment

Usually in troubled marriages one, often both, of the spouses are nursing resentment against the other. There is, minimally, the perception by one that the other is shirking in one way or another. Often the marriage descends into a state where each is accusing the other.

A common example is the lack of sex in marriage, usually a complaint by the husband against the wife. The husband resents the wife's lack of interest in sex.

Very often the wife doesn't want to be intimate with the husband because she, herself, is resentful, usually because the husband is not pulling his weight around the house. Add to that the conviction, among many wives, that "times have changed" and so any man who doesn't carry his weight is a male chauvinist pig undeserving of any warmth or compassion.

While the above represent the most common examples, there are many more. What they all have in common is the human tendency to blame the other for our troubles. We are right, they are wrong, and anything we do is justified including having an affair or filing for divorce or just checking out and waiting for the other to take that step.

Once feelings are lost ("I'm not in love with you anymore") we hold on that much tighter to our self righteousness. At least I have my dignity, people will say to themselves as they walk into the divorce attorney's office.

Self righteous resentment will poison any marriage.

The antidote to self righteous resentment is to set aside pride and treat the marriage as a work in progress. Of course, it helps to recognize your own faults and to concentrate on them first. But very often spouses fail to take the initiative preferring, instead, a passive position until things fall to pieces and divorce seems inevitable.

Turn that resentment into a willingness to fix the marriage. No matter what. Wives, especially, can accomplish much simply by channeling that resentment into a determination to take charge and redirect the marriage in a way that suits them. By taking charge of the marriage to direct it where you want it to go ignoring all resistance from the husband.

Why Sexual Passion Fades

Sex therapist Dr. Marianne Brandon was asked in Psychology Today about the problem of married couples losing their interest in sex. Dr. Brandon notes that lack of sexual passion is the most common problem practicing sex therapists see.

What is the cause? She opines that the conventional wisdom, that it is the result of familiarity and boredom in marriage, is correct but incomplete.

But what the science shows is that our animal sexual brains crave an asymmetry of power in the bedroom. Women’s bodies still long to be sexually taken by a man who is capable of over-powering her with his strength, but chooses to love her. And men still crave a responsive, open lover—one who will enthusiastically follow his lead. The exquisite dance of sexual domination and submission remains an intoxicating element of love-making, in spite of our desire for equality in other aspects of life.

Equality is the problem. Asymmetry of power in the bedroom is the solution.

But I think Dr. Brandon, herself, has only a partial answer here.

The problem is not merely what goes on in the bedroom, that is too narrow a view. And the problem is not merely the equalization of power.

The reason that sexual passion fades is that married couples overturn the most important power asymmetry in their relationship. It is not the power of the man to take the woman as he pleases but the power of the woman to refuse him.

We call this asymmetric power dynamic: courtship.

And courtships does not begin in the bedroom, that is where it ends. It begins throughout the daily lives of the married couple. The husband pursues the woman and she, alone, decides when she will accept his sexual advances. The man is excited to pursue the woman and the woman is excited by his attention.

Restore courtship to your marriage and you will restore sexual passion.

5 Questions Every Young Career Woman Needs to Ask Herself

Most young women graduating from college think about the career path ahead of them. But there is a big difference between a young woman with a career and a young career woman.

For many women, their career only serves to employ them until they are married and ready to have children at which time they devote themselves to raising the family. Increasingly young women continue their career past childbearing in a two-income family but, even then, remain the primary childcare giver and, thus, subordinate their career. And there are those women who choose to remain single or who marry but never have children. These are all examples of young women with careers.

A young career woman, by contrast, is determined to pursue a career and have a family and to support that family by her career.

Are you a career woman? Ask yourself these questions.

1) Am I passionate about my career?

It's one thing to work at a job. Another thing entirely to pursue a career. To be passionate about your career means that it is important to you, part of your identity, something that consumes your thoughts throughout the day, at work or at home. In return, your career gives you a purpose in life, a sense of value. When someone asks what you do you are eager to tell them about it in every detail.

3) Will I earn enough in my career to support a family?

While passion for your career is important, it is not enough. There are many careers that don't pay well or which don't pay consistently. In order to start a family you must pursue a career that will pay regularly and adequately to support them.

2) Am I willing to put earning money before job satisfaction?

A corollary of the need to earn enough is that often you will face a choice between job satisfaction and earning more money. Typically this comes in the form of a job promotion. You might be entirely happy in the job you are currently doing, you may not feel you are ready to take on more responsibility. Nevertheless, you must find the courage to do so. If you have chosen a carer about which you are passionate then it will be less likely that you are promoted into a position that you hate. But you need to be honest with yourself about your priorities.

This also implies that you are constantly investing in your career and professionally reinventing yourself as necessary. Much of this comes with the job but you'll need to take responsibility for developing yourself, building the skills and relationships you need to move ahead.

4) Am I willing to marry down?

Let's be clear. Marrying down does not mean settling for less. By 'marrying down' I mean, simply, choosing a spouse who has lesser career ambitions and earning potential than you. You should have high standards when it comes to character, compatibility, and chemistry. But the more ambitious and successful you are, the less likely that you will find a spouse who also has an equal or greater career potential.

Are there men of good character but low career ambition? Absolutely. You will find such men involved in pursuits that do not compensate well or consistently such as music, art, and writing. The challenge is to sell this struggling artist on the virtues of family life and to persuade this him to pursue his interests part-time as a househusband. You may also find men of good character among those who lack a college degree and employed in low paying trades such as in the construction, retail, or service industries.

5) Am I confident enough to lead a marriage?

If you have the confidence to pursue a career and raise a family then you should have the confidence to lead that household. Attempting to share authority with your spouse will only lead to confusion and disappointment. Leadership skills are largely transferable between work and home. Leading in each strengthens your leadership in the other.

And leading at home empowers you to put your career first. That doesn't mean that you'll never leave work early to attend your child's school events. It does mean that your home life, where you reside and when you spend time with the family, is organized around your work requirements.

Make it clear to any potential spouse how you envision the family operating and don't waste time with men who value their ego more than they desire to start a family with you.

Handling a Marriage Crisis: Step One

Advice for handling a marriage crisis typically assumes, or demands, that both spouses commit to doing whatever it takes to resolve the issues. Mad About Marriage describes this as "Step one". Other sources similarly caution that one spouse can't fix a marriage.

Unfortunately, the most common experience is that one spouse recognizes that the marriage is in trouble long before the other does. By the time the other spouse recognizes the crisis it is often too late; the first spouse is fed up and ready to quit.

But what can one spouse do? Plenty. For the purpose of this discussion, let's assume that the wife recognizes the crisis and the husband does not.

Make the case: The wife can describe what she sees to the husband taking care that he understands her perspective even if he still does not recognize it as a crisis. That might seem obvious but there are two very typical reasons why it is not:

• The silent sufferer: Far too many wives endure their suffering in silence thinking that the crisis is so obvious that only an imbecile could fail to see it. And who wants to stay married to an imbecile? The reality is that no two people look at the world the same way and husbands are notoriously bad at picking up on subtle interpersonal cues.
• The nagging complainer: Far too often when wives do speak up it is in the most grating manner imaginable. The husband very quickly learns to avoid listening to her and thus nullifies her efforts at communicating the crisis.

Negative reinforcement: The wife can take actions that bring the crisis to the husband's attention in a negative way. Ideally, this should be a natural consequence of the crisis in order to better illustrate it. For example, if the husband is creating a mess for the wife to clean she can simply stop cleaning his mess. But while natural consequences are better, the wife should not hesitate to create an artificial consequence to focus his attention.

Positive reinforcement: The wife can entice the husband into paying attention to the problem by rewarding that attention. As the husband turns from attention to action, further rewards can ease the way. For example, if the husband is drinking to excess, make his sober days exciting and fun.

Deliver an ultimatum: Nobody likes to lay it on the line but better to be plain and direct early than later. Drawing a line can serve to clarify the issue in a way that argument and subtle reinforcement cannot. Better still to draw these lines before they are crossed. Of course, you have to be prepared to deliver on your threats so think it through carefully. The best ultimatums are those that you are happy to enforce.

Unilateral action: Very often the resolution of a marital crisis only appears to require cooperation. In a sense, all of these options are unilateral but here I mean specifically resolving the crisis without his cooperation, perhaps even without his knowledge. No argument, no reinforcement, not ultimatums. Just doing what needs to be done and handing him a done deal.

The prevailing belief that one spouse can't fix a marriage is a great contributor to the rush to divorce. Naturally, if only one spouse sees the crisis and if she can't do anything about it then what's left? Sooner or later: divorce.

Now obviously it's much better for the wife to gain the cooperation of the husband and all but the last of the above options are really geared toward moving him to care. And none of this is meant to take away from the sound advice that applies when both spouses are cooperating. But, still, taking the first step requires courage and determination, especially when the crisis is ambiguous or subtle. The wife must be confident in her appraisal of the marriage and willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage going strong.

She must summon the courage to take the first step toward resolving a marital crisis the moment it becomes apparent to her.

Why Can't a Wife Be More Like a Husband?

I do have my critics. Shocking, right?

They can't understand why I promote the wife led marriage as I do.

The criticism mostly comes from those who advocate an egalitarian marriage, one in which every important decision in the marriage is made jointly. A marriage in which both spouses work and earn roughly equal salaries. A marriage in which neither spouse enjoys more influence, power, or authority than the other.

I point to the long history of husband led marriages. Although these are no longer the socially idealized form of marriage they are still very common. Why can't we have some wife led marriages too? It's only fair, right?

That explanation, though, only goes so far. For egalitarians to swallow it they would have to see a wife led marriage as a mirror of husband led marriage. And it isn't. Not by far.

Why isn't the wife led marriage a mirror of the husband led marriage?

Human nature. Women and men are not alike. There are some important differences.

Historically, a woman was attracted to a man who could provide for and protect her and her children. That meant she was attracted to strength and intelligence. While women are attracted to handsome men, social status is far more important.

This has changed little in modern society. Even among the most egalitarian-minded women, men of low social status are out of bounds.

Men, on the other hand, have always been most attracted to women for their sexuality and willingness to keep the home.

To pretend that the roles can be simply reversed, is simply mistaken.

Ladies, no matter how successful you are in your career, single men are not going to swoon over that. And very often, a wife who earns more than her husband is courting trouble.

Why? There is the small matter of the male ego. Small to us, maybe, but not to him.

Obviously I'm not saying that the wife cannot lead the marriage. I'm simply saying that it won't be the mirror of a husband led marriage.

Vive la différence.

The Perfect Gift For Her

I often hear from wives who have stumbled upon my book or website quite by accident. At first they are shocked by what they find: "A wife led marriage, whoever heard of that?!" Then amused: "You must be kidding!" But very often they make that final step and realize how their own marriage could be improved by it.

Occasionally, I will hear from wives who have been directed by a girlfriend. The friend recognizes the challenges the wife is facing and offers a solution. Shock. Amusement. And, perhaps, realization. Even better, the two now share a secret bond of experience, both heading their households.

And then there are the husbands who discover this and share it with their wives. She might ask, "are you sure you want this?" He does. He's probably struggled with this desire for years and only finally managed to work up the courage to suggest it.

But not all introductions are so open. Since the early days I regularly have received emails asking me to invite a wife to my website. Typically these were from husbands, but not all. Some of these requests were more in the nature of practical jokes.

Imagine. You know a male friend who is feeling henpecked. His wife is a nag. She wants to run the marriage but doesn't know how. They are both miserable. You think to yourself, "she needs Real Women Don't Do Housework."

That's when the fun really begins.

The Good Househusband

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting her know that you have been thinking about her, and are concerned about her needs.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when she arrives. Take a shower, put on something clean, shave, comb your hair and add some cologne. She has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little happy and a little more interesting. Her boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your wife arrives, gathering up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your wife will feel she has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and she would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize the noise: At the time of her arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see her. Greet her with a warm smile and be glad to see her.

Don't greet her with problems or complaints. Don't complain if she's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what she might have gone through that day.

Make her comfortable: Have her lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest she lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for her. Arrange her pillow and offer to take off her shoes. Speak in a gentle, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow her to relax and unwind.

Listen to her: You may have a dozen things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Let her talk first.

Plan a delicious home cooked meal. If she is home early, gather the family around the dinner table for a joyous meal. If she comes home late, have the children fed and in bed beforehand so that you can focus on serving her at dinner.


Make the evening her: Never complain if she does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand her world of strain and pressure and her need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your wife can relax.




(Adapted from Fascinating Womanhood, by Helen B. Andelin, published by Pacific Press in 1965.)

About

What do I do?

I coach wives on how to use their natural feminine advantages with their husbands to reinvigorate their marriages, offload work, and ultimately ascend to become the head of the household. In short, to do as I have done. (That is either nothing new, as old as womankind. Or an unprecedented radicalization of marriage. Take your pick.)

Who needs my book? I usually think in terms of these three audiences:

• Wives unhappy with their marriage, especially those considering divorce.
• Working wives with stay-at-home husbands.
• Ambitious young women pursuing a career.

The first is my bread-and-butter audience. Virtually all of the wives I have coached fall into this category. Sadly, it is a very big category. Often I am challenged to explain myself, why I advocate such a radical reordering of marriage. In many if not most cases, it is to avoid divorce.

The second category is becoming much more common. Typically both spouses work but then the husband gets laid off and cannot find another job with a comparable salary. Should he retire? No! He should become a homemaker. But this does not come naturally to men so a little influence from you can make things go much smoother.

Then too there are the situations where the wife is outearning the husband and, for one reason or another, decides he should quit his job and become a househusband. That was my situation. Here, especially, the wife needs to influence the transition and assuage his ego.

Finally, there is a growing number of ambitious young women today who mistakenly believe that they are not suited to marriage and childbearing. Too often such women seek out men who are as, or more, successful. The more successful the women, the fewer available men. Hence, they often remain single and frustrated. Marrying down, marrying a man who is suited to nothing more than making a home, is, by comparison, a much more realistic option.

Maybe you know someone in one of the above situations who could benefit from reading my book. You might send then directly there or to one of my slide presentations.

Introduction

Welcome to my blog.

If you don't already know me, I am the author of "Real Women Don't Do Housework" originally published as a website in 1998 on Geocities but now available as a book:

• Real Women Don’t Do Housework: A Step by Step Guide to Becoming a Female Head of Household

Although many people recommended it over the years, I never formally published a blog although I did publish short articles on my website. I have decided to launch this blog to have a place to share random thoughts. I resisted writing a blog because I didn't want to set up the expectation that I would publish frequently and I still have no plans to do so. So don't be surprised to find no new content for months or years.

The book is obviously a good place to start but I have also created a couple slideshare presentations:

• Real Women Don’t Do Housework: True Stories, and
• Real Women Don’t Do Housework: A Step by Step Guide to Becoming a Female Head of Household

The first is a series of testimonials from wives and husbands, an inspiring introduction. The second is a bullet-point outline of the opening concepts and general idea, a more rational introduction. You might find these useful for sharing with others you think need my book.

Finally, you can 'friend' me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter. But don't expect too much there either.