Self Righteous Resentment

Usually in troubled marriages one, often both, of the spouses are nursing resentment against the other. There is, minimally, the perception by one that the other is shirking in one way or another. Often the marriage descends into a state where each is accusing the other.

A common example is the lack of sex in marriage, usually a complaint by the husband against the wife. The husband resents the wife's lack of interest in sex.

Very often the wife doesn't want to be intimate with the husband because she, herself, is resentful, usually because the husband is not pulling his weight around the house. Add to that the conviction, among many wives, that "times have changed" and so any man who doesn't carry his weight is a male chauvinist pig undeserving of any warmth or compassion.

While the above represent the most common examples, there are many more. What they all have in common is the human tendency to blame the other for our troubles. We are right, they are wrong, and anything we do is justified including having an affair or filing for divorce or just checking out and waiting for the other to take that step.

Once feelings are lost ("I'm not in love with you anymore") we hold on that much tighter to our self righteousness. At least I have my dignity, people will say to themselves as they walk into the divorce attorney's office.

Self righteous resentment will poison any marriage.

The antidote to self righteous resentment is to set aside pride and treat the marriage as a work in progress. Of course, it helps to recognize your own faults and to concentrate on them first. But very often spouses fail to take the initiative preferring, instead, a passive position until things fall to pieces and divorce seems inevitable.

Turn that resentment into a willingness to fix the marriage. No matter what. Wives, especially, can accomplish much simply by channeling that resentment into a determination to take charge and redirect the marriage in a way that suits them. By taking charge of the marriage to direct it where you want it to go ignoring all resistance from the husband.