Why Sexual Passion Fades

Sex therapist Dr. Marianne Brandon was asked in Psychology Today about the problem of married couples losing their interest in sex. Dr. Brandon notes that lack of sexual passion is the most common problem practicing sex therapists see.

What is the cause? She opines that the conventional wisdom, that it is the result of familiarity and boredom in marriage, is correct but incomplete.

But what the science shows is that our animal sexual brains crave an asymmetry of power in the bedroom. Women’s bodies still long to be sexually taken by a man who is capable of over-powering her with his strength, but chooses to love her. And men still crave a responsive, open lover—one who will enthusiastically follow his lead. The exquisite dance of sexual domination and submission remains an intoxicating element of love-making, in spite of our desire for equality in other aspects of life.

Equality is the problem. Asymmetry of power in the bedroom is the solution.

But I think Dr. Brandon, herself, has only a partial answer here.

The problem is not merely what goes on in the bedroom, that is too narrow a view. And the problem is not merely the equalization of power.

The reason that sexual passion fades is that married couples overturn the most important power asymmetry in their relationship. It is not the power of the man to take the woman as he pleases but the power of the woman to refuse him.

We call this asymmetric power dynamic: courtship.

And courtships does not begin in the bedroom, that is where it ends. It begins throughout the daily lives of the married couple. The husband pursues the woman and she, alone, decides when she will accept his sexual advances. The man is excited to pursue the woman and the woman is excited by his attention.

Restore courtship to your marriage and you will restore sexual passion.