Handling a Marriage Crisis: Step One

Advice for handling a marriage crisis typically assumes, or demands, that both spouses commit to doing whatever it takes to resolve the issues. Mad About Marriage describes this as "Step one". Other sources similarly caution that one spouse can't fix a marriage.

Unfortunately, the most common experience is that one spouse recognizes that the marriage is in trouble long before the other does. By the time the other spouse recognizes the crisis it is often too late; the first spouse is fed up and ready to quit.

But what can one spouse do? Plenty. For the purpose of this discussion, let's assume that the wife recognizes the crisis and the husband does not.

Make the case: The wife can describe what she sees to the husband taking care that he understands her perspective even if he still does not recognize it as a crisis. That might seem obvious but there are two very typical reasons why it is not:

• The silent sufferer: Far too many wives endure their suffering in silence thinking that the crisis is so obvious that only an imbecile could fail to see it. And who wants to stay married to an imbecile? The reality is that no two people look at the world the same way and husbands are notoriously bad at picking up on subtle interpersonal cues.
• The nagging complainer: Far too often when wives do speak up it is in the most grating manner imaginable. The husband very quickly learns to avoid listening to her and thus nullifies her efforts at communicating the crisis.

Negative reinforcement: The wife can take actions that bring the crisis to the husband's attention in a negative way. Ideally, this should be a natural consequence of the crisis in order to better illustrate it. For example, if the husband is creating a mess for the wife to clean she can simply stop cleaning his mess. But while natural consequences are better, the wife should not hesitate to create an artificial consequence to focus his attention.

Positive reinforcement: The wife can entice the husband into paying attention to the problem by rewarding that attention. As the husband turns from attention to action, further rewards can ease the way. For example, if the husband is drinking to excess, make his sober days exciting and fun.

Deliver an ultimatum: Nobody likes to lay it on the line but better to be plain and direct early than later. Drawing a line can serve to clarify the issue in a way that argument and subtle reinforcement cannot. Better still to draw these lines before they are crossed. Of course, you have to be prepared to deliver on your threats so think it through carefully. The best ultimatums are those that you are happy to enforce.

Unilateral action: Very often the resolution of a marital crisis only appears to require cooperation. In a sense, all of these options are unilateral but here I mean specifically resolving the crisis without his cooperation, perhaps even without his knowledge. No argument, no reinforcement, not ultimatums. Just doing what needs to be done and handing him a done deal.

The prevailing belief that one spouse can't fix a marriage is a great contributor to the rush to divorce. Naturally, if only one spouse sees the crisis and if she can't do anything about it then what's left? Sooner or later: divorce.

Now obviously it's much better for the wife to gain the cooperation of the husband and all but the last of the above options are really geared toward moving him to care. And none of this is meant to take away from the sound advice that applies when both spouses are cooperating. But, still, taking the first step requires courage and determination, especially when the crisis is ambiguous or subtle. The wife must be confident in her appraisal of the marriage and willing to do whatever it takes to keep the marriage going strong.

She must summon the courage to take the first step toward resolving a marital crisis the moment it becomes apparent to her.