It Amazed Me!

As this is my first post to this blog I expect it will be a short one. I am new to both blogging and to the topic at hand, "Female Led Relationships". I am no expert--at all. And, in truth I feel like a lot of what I have learned has been, very, very, recent.

To be clear, I have nearly always thought of myself as a fairly dominant sort of female. Getting guys, and later, my husband moving in "the right direction" had never been especially difficult for me. I am also not someone who is averse to "using" my feminine wiles on the male species. But, to be honest I never, never, ever, dreamed that things could be even close to what they now are in my marriage. I am (still) somewhat stunned by how things have evolved.

My marriage was "ok" but lacking in some areas. I had (literally) stumbled across the term "FLR" when on Amazon books one day. I perused a variety of material and much of it sort of seemed like "fantasy" or at least not entirely real. It became apparent to me that, at least for some women, this was real. Very real. I was captivated.

Again, I have to acknowledge that I was already somewhat "in charge" in my marriage but not in nearly so explicit and comprehensive a manner as what I read about. Lady Misato's work and writing was especially powerful to me. I read it. I re-read it. I looked at other materials on the internet paying particular attention to women who seemed thoughtful and sincere. I was amazed.

I guess part of what amazed me the most was putting the eroticism front and center and virtually "on the table". We women know how men need and desire us sexually. For God's sake we have always known that. But to make it so entirely explicit - wow. It feels to me like taking some things we know and feel to their logical extension.

In my marriage now, sex has become not simply a matter of "are we getting along...well...enough". It has gone way, way, way beyond that rather placid position. It has gone more to am I, his wife, very, very, very, happy with his behavior. Does he get "gratified" all the time? Absolutely not. But the hope of it is (pretty constantly) looming out there at least in his own mind. He has become (incredibly) attentive, an excellent listener, and there is next to nothing that does not get done in our house.

In truth, I wonder, how many women in more "vanilla" marriages have not said to themselves (or their husbands) "Hey, he's done a nice job cleaning out the garage all day, let's relax in the bedroom a bit. He deserves a reward"! I think this is "extending" that sort of disposition. What has absolutely amazed me is how far it can be extended!

I am amazed, not only that this works but that my husband clearly wants to take direction. He is literally excited and seems comforted by me being "in charge". Even though I am somewhat dominant and he somewhat submissive, if someone had told me, even a year ago, that I could have my husband doing all house chores, cooking, shopping, laundry (yes all of it!) AND be happy in that role I would have never, ever believed it.

Perhaps at a later time I will go into more detail. I think the toughest part has been for him acknowledging within himself that this is "right". I have also had to make some decisions about the public part of it with friends and family but at this point even that part is moving along. I simply cannot say enough about the positive aspects of this at least for me/us. It's been a game changer.

Courtly Love

What is marriage?

Such a seemingly simple question is, in fact, delicately complex.

The history of marriage suggests a variety of possible answers. Naturally, there is a modern answer to the question, a set of common assumptions that contemporary couples regard as definitive, indeed eternal. Modern marriage is characterized by two essential features: romantic love and equality of the spouses.

Needless to say, it was not always so. And, thus it need not always be so. I say this because many are understandably confused by the very concept of wife led marriage. Many wives otherwise suited to the arrangement resist it because they cling to an ideal of marriage that they take to be essential and timeless or, at least, to represent the end point of a historical progression.

To better understand wife led marriage let's look at an older idea: courtly love.

Courtly love, as described in medieval European literature, is a conception of love modeled on the feudal relationship between a knight and his lord consisting of obedience, loyalty, and submission. Courtly love was the affection of a knight toward a lady of the court. The most famous and familiar example of courtly love was that of Sir Lancelot for Queen Guenevere.

In the tradition of courtly love, the woman was in complete control of the relationship. The knight's love for his lady inspired him to do great deeds in order to be worthy of her love and to win her favor. He was ever lovesick for his lady. The knight subjected himself humbly to his lady and treated her with the utmost courtesy and respect. The lady, by contrast, not only owed the knight nothing but might well ignore him altogether. The knight was often content with a one-sided love affair, what we would today call a crush.

Now the parallel is imperfect but hopefully it can serve to expand our concept of marriage to include those led by a wife. Unlike courtly love, a wife led marriage is a romantic love within a formal marriage. But in many other ways, the resemblance is uncanny.

The most important feature of a wife led marriage is, of course, that the wife leads the marriage. This can mean different things to different couples but whatever is meant by it, it is not an egalitarian marriage. The wife assumes a position of control and authority within the marriage much like the lady in courtly love. There is no pretense that the husband has an equal say in matters.

A second feature of wife led marriage is that the wife manipulates the husband without hesitation or mercy. Whatever the wife needs from the husband, she obtains by whatever means are at her disposal. Typically, and ideally, this entails the exercise of erotic power over her husband as it is the most effective way to nullify the male ego and overcome his resistance to her authority.

And while a wife led marriage includes romantic love, it is not a symmetric love. The wife, as head of the family, is primarily concerned with the welfare of the marriage and the family. She directs her husband toward choices that benefit the marriage. She does not allow her love for her husband to diminish her responsibility for the marriage. Through erotic power she keeps her husband in a perpetual state of lovesickness, leaving him always a little unsure of his standing before her.

By contrast, the husband is focused entirely upon obeying and serving his wife. He trusts his wife to tell him what needs to be done for the sake of the family and he humbly submits to her authority in the marriage. His love for her is like the love of the knight for his lady without expectation of an equal return of affection. He is always looking for ways to win her favor and is ever fearful of falling from her grace.

This does not mean, of course, that the love of the wife for the husband is in any way less than that of the husband for the wife. It is just that they are very different in their nature.

To be sure, the comparison of wife led marriage to courtly love is imperfect but it suffices as an alternative model to that of modern marriage. A wife who feels reluctant to transform her marriage might well find inspiration in the medieval literature of courtly love to indulge her inner Queen.