Learning To Lead

A wife who aims to become a Queen in her marriage expects to change her husband and the dynamics of their marriage. Seldom does she realize how she will be changed by it. But time and again I hear from wives who are ecstatic at how they have become new women not just at home with their families but also with their friends and colleagues.

My own experience is typical. Before I transformed our marriage I was a competent practitioner in my field. My colleagues valued my contributions but I was never called on to lead projects. That changed almost overnight.

We were meeting to discuss a project that had fallen so far behind schedule that the client was threatening to cancel it. Everyone was engaged in the political game of CYA. It wasn't their fault, they insisted, they were unable to deliver because they didn't get what they were expecting from others on the team. And so the finger pointing proceeded in ever more heated rounds. Even the so-called team leader was playing along, no doubt because the senior partner responsible for the client was in attendance.

It had been less than a year since I had taken over as Queen of our household and only a few months since my husband had given up his career to become a full-time homemaker. We were still exploring options, experimenting with styles, and working out various practical issues. But already I was feeling a sense of authority in the home and learning to express it freely and openly. Often I was amazed at what I heard from my own lips:

Before: "Can you please go to the DMV to take care of this?"
After: "Tomorrow you are going to the DMV to take care of this."

Before: "Would you please change the sheets today?"
After: "I expect to see clean sheets tonight."

Before: "I think your blue shirt goes well with the black slacks."
After: "I've set out the blue shirt with the black slacks for you to wear."

Before: "It seems like it's been a while since you've been to the gym."
After: "Go to the gym this morning, your workout card is on the table".

I remember feeling increasingly frustrated by what I was hearing at that meeting. I would never put up with that from my husband, why was the senior partner accepting it from the team? So when I got the chance I called them all out on their excuses, particularly the team leader, and proceeded to put the project back on track and save the account.

Not only did I earn the attention and respect of the senior partner, from then on I was regarded by my peers as one of the strongest leaders in the firm. As my responsibilities grew so did my confidence and authority. Everyone, even those who knew me before that meeting, just assumed that I was a born leader. Often women would approach me asking how they too could advance in their careers up the corporate ladder. I helped them as best I could without revealing the source of my strength.

The truth is that I was not a born leader. I might well have gone through life as a mere practitioner, content to take orders from others. But once I got a taste of it at home I could not be held back at the firm.

And, of course, my confidence flowed the opposite way as well. The more successful I was at the firm the more confident I was at home with my family. Although my husband had long since given up on his own career, it is fair to say that he grew increasingly reverential toward me as the breadwinner of the family. His gushing admiration was, at times, embarrassing. He truly draws his own identity and dignity from his support for my success in my career. He keeps the home so that I am free to be successful at the firm and thereby to provide for the family.

I remember being surprised by this turn of events but, upon reflection, I should not have been. How could any woman, ruling as Queen of her household, with a husband virtually under her thumb night and day, seeking her permission on his every decision, and reporting to her on his every move, not be transformed by it?

My only regret is that I could not be more open with other women about all this. Often I heard other women tell me how much they admired my leadership skills; they wanted to know how they could achieve the same thing in their own careers without ever imagining how it could begin at home. I often wished I could just hand them a copy of my book. But because I had made a conscious decision not to mix my professional career and my secret life as Queen of the household, I never did.

Even those who knew about my domestic situation, that my husband stayed home to keep the house, just assumed that it had always been that way. They could not fathom how much my life had changed.

But I can tell you: Wife led marriage will transform you in ways you cannot even imagine. The longer you practice it, the greater your leadership at home, work, and in your community.

Reminding Him

This is intended to be a short piece as I am interested in the thoughts of others and hope some will comment back.  I have mentioned before that my own marriage dynamic, even before I knew the terms involved, was always somewhat bent toward my leadership.  I tend to be outspoken, authoritative and clear.  My husband is gentler, more agreeable - somewhat submissive in nature.  It works.  

As my own wife led marriage has become even more so - I find that he "mis behaves" with less frequency.  Generally he is super focused on my happiness.  I don't know that the eroticism is all of what works but it is a huge part of it.  His "opportunities" for release are far and few between - maybe more so than in many marriages.  I would say our dynamic is quite successful.  We are connected. He gets a lot of direction(s).  I get exactly the home and lifestyle I want.  In truth I (almost) feel guilty about the extremes of what I have.  I have a (very) dedicated husband/worker bee.  

This brings me to my query.  Even though he is what I would generally (no not always) call "very good" I find it is important to give him occasional "reminders" of his position in the marriage.  His "place" if you will.  At first this seemed counter intuitive.  I had associated discipline or a consequence with mis behavior only - and that continues to be the primary association.  However I have found it important to periodically (even in what might seem to him as an out of the blue way) give him "reminders" of how things are. 

I expect (I really do not know) that I may exhibit a strictness or an authoritarian sort of approach that may go beyond what some other wives do.  We are all different of course.  However I find that the more directive I am, the firmer I am, the more accepting and almost relaxed he is. It is an interesting thing to me and I wonder how other women experience this or does it resonate?

Why Do You Hesitate?

I have been practicing wife led marriage for almost two decades. By now it is as natural to me as breathing. And, yet, I look around at so many failed marriages that could be successful if the wife would only give it a try.

To understand why more wives hesitate to explore their own erotic power it is much easier to begin with those women who are more willing.

Let us begin with the naturally dominant woman. Although for reasons of biology and culture women are, on average, less dominant than men, still, overall, by sheer dent of numbers and probability, it is frequently the case that the wife's will is stronger than her husband's. You've all met, I'm sure, women who show no hesitation to voicing their opinions in mixed company. And domineering women have long been the brunt of jokes; they have always existed.

On the opposite side, there are naturally submissive men. While culture encourages men to dominate their wives even if they are weak in every other aspect of their lives, there are some men who are comfortable with the fact that they are less willful than their wives and who are happy to allow their wives to tell them what to do. Wives who sense this often step into the power vacuum and do so.

On a sadder note, there are far too many marriages in grave difficulty and on the road to divorce. Sometimes wives recognize the situation in time and open up to unorthodox methods to solve their marital problems.

But while the above may dispose a woman to exploring her erotic power, still, there is one additional essential ingredient: comfort with sexuality. Women who are confident about their own sexuality are much more willing to explore their own erotic power.

So what is holding wives back? I have identified several ideas that stand in the way of wife led marriage.

The most obvious and common is simple caution. A cautious person will prefer almost any present difficulty to the risk of losing ground. That applies ten-fold where one's marriage is concerned. Sadly, this risk aversion extends even to many women in failed marriages: they would rather go through divorce than test their erotic power.

Much of this risk aversion flows from another hurdle: tradition. Cultural tradition places women in a particular position in marriage. The old tradition held that a wife should submit to her husband. Modern tradition holds that women should aspire to equality with men. But there is no tradition of women leading men in marriage. And, further, sex in marriage is traditionally regarded as something to be kept to a minimum in the bedroom. Ironically, there is far more sexual liberation outside of marriage than within!

Then there is the desire for normality. Let's be honest, a wife led marriage is not normal. Erotic power is not normal. Everyone is not doing it. To take your marriage down this path is to diverge significantly from the herd.

And, truth be told, erotic power is a fantastical idea. An older woman, especially, will find it hard to believe that she could wield such power over her husband. It's all too easy to dismiss what you have not tried.

Moreover, culture teaches ideals and many of these ideals run counter to erotic power.

The most common ideal of marriage is the idea of romance: a woman and a man love each other and dedicate their lives to each other in a bond of mutual respect and admiration. Erotic power upsets this ideal by enabling the wife to have a disproportionate influence in the marriage and over her husband. And while people happily romanticize seduction into marriage they are shocked at the idea of seduction within the marriage.

In a similar vein, a wife may recoil at erotic power out of deference to her husband's autonomy. Modern ideals of human autonomy discourage coercion and celebrate the unencumbered life. Live and let live. A wife may insist, for example, that her husband should freely choose to do things for her, not be coerced or seduced into it. Erotic power is, after all, a power and, as the belief goes, coercive.

Perhaps the most formal impediment to erotic power is the egalitarian ideal. After struggling for sexual equality for decades women are naturally hesitant to throw that away for a position of dominance in their own marriage. They want to be equal partners with their husbands. How can you be equal to someone you dominate?

Lastly, sexuality is a very difficult subject for many women for a variety of reasons. Many wives are, quite frankly, uncomfortable with their own sexuality and with the difference between men and women in this regard. They would much rather relegate sex to the bedroom where it is kept in a small box only to be opened when absolutely necessary. Wives tend to be far more comfortable nagging than seducing.

And, yet, you would have a very difficult time finding a wife who doesn't, in her heart, believe that her marriage would be far better if only her husband would listen to her more often. She would be happier and, truth be told, he would too. If only he would do what she says!

Wives recognize that, in many ways, they are better decision makers than their husbands. They want to have more control over their marriages and even over their husbands. But for the above reasons they are totally uncomfortable with their own desire for control. They deny, avoid, and suppress it and suffer the consequences.

My hope is that in identifying the various reasons that you may hesitate to explore erotic power in your marriage I may prompt you to rethink your own preconceptions and ideals.

After all, how valuable can an idea be if it destroys your marriage?