Hypnotic Conversation

Supposedly, hypnosis is a state of human consciousness involving focused attention and reduced awareness and an enhanced inclination to respond to suggestions. But as the subject of legend and show, it carries with it a great deal of baggage. Even among those who accept hypnosis as a real phenomenon there is controversy as to whether it is primarily a matter of willing susceptibility or an altogether altered state of mind.

I have been told many times by those who claim to know that what I describe in my book as erotic conversational is, essentially, hypnosis. Now, needless to say, conventional hypnosis does not involve sexual stimulation or deliberate manipulation of sexual desires but perhaps this is merely a difference of method.

When I have an erotic conversation with my husband there is behavioral conditioning associating my words with his sexual feelings and rewarding his compliance. But my impression, based on our erotic conversations in the bedroom and subsequent interaction outside, is that something more is going on. Especially revealing have been my husband's confessions to me. And other wives have confirmed similar phenomenon in their own marriages.

We naturally engage communicated thoughts as they are received, evaluating and judging them for their correctness, relevance, and usefulness. In this process we tend to maintain a distance from most of what we hear, especially the commands of others. We are more likely to resist that which is not immediately confirmed by our own experience and to argue if pressed. Men are especially prone to this distancing approach to conversation. It is one reason why husbands interpret instructions from their wives as nagging.

But the situation is altogether different when the communication occurs in the context of sex and in the passion of sexual stimulation. The husband's mind is focused on the pleasant feelings he is experiencing and the desperation he feels to discharge the sexual energies that are building up inside him. He is wondering, whether consciously or unconsciously, "what must I do to get my orgasm?" And since you are in control of the situation he is hanging on your every word and gesture. If hypnosis is a matter of willing susceptibility then this creates exactly that.

In such a state of mind he is putty in your hands and unable or unwilling to resist the thoughts you communicate to him. Over time, repetition will make these thoughts his and he will not even care where they originated.

I prefer to let our erotic conversations develop naturally based on my intuition about what issues may be obstructing our immediate progress, what our marriage might need at the particular moment. But, almost always, I have taken the opportunity to talk about obedience to my will and submission to my dominance as these are fundamental to everything else. I want my husband to internalize the belief that regardless of the situation he can't go wrong if he simply obeys me and that whenever he is in doubt that he should seek me out for instructions.

For us this was no small feat. Before we embarked on wife led marriage, we were always arguing and fighting. It would never have occurred to me to expect his obedience. And while progress came quickly as I developed my technique, old habits died hard. Even when he intellectually recognized that we were no longer equals in our marriage, still, he would habitually fall back on prior behaviors. But with time and repetition he eventually became addicted to my dominance and I believe that our erotic conversations were essential to that.

I suspect that hypnosis played a role because eventually he began repeating back the very phrases I had earlier communicated to him, not just immediately, in in the heat of passion but later outside the bedroom in our everyday lives. Not only did his behavior improve but he had internalized exactly the thoughts, almost verbatim, that I had been communicating to him. He often confessed to me a confusion about his thoughts about obedience. Intellectually, he knew that I had been demanding obedience from him and he remembered when he had earlier resisted my authority but emotionally he felt as if he had always been obedient to me, as if this was just his nature and my words were redundant.

My advice is that you, too, let these conversations develop naturally but I thought it would be helpful to put together a few scripts from a recollection of our conversations that might serve to illustrate and inspire you in yours.

Relax.
Breath and relax.

Don't make any effort.

Allow my words to guide you deeper into relaxation.
I will tell you to say something.

You will repeat it back to me.
It takes no effort to repeat back to me what I tell you to say.
Even if you don't agree with it.

Even if you don't want to say it.

Just repeat it back to me.

It will be easier if you just say it.

There is no effort in repeating back to me what I say.
Say, "I love you." ["I love you."]
Say, "I want you." ["I want you."]
Say, "I need you." ["I need you."]
Say, "I am lost without you." ["I am lost without you."]
Say, "I am lost without your direction." ["I am lost without your direction."]
Say, "I am lost without your commands." ["I am lost without your commands."]
Say, "I want you to command me." ["I want you to command me."]
Say, "I need you to command me." ["I need you to command me."]
Say, "I want to obey you." ["I want to obey you."]

Say, "I need to obey you." ["I need to obey you."]
Say, "I must obey your every command." ["I must obey your every command."]
Say, "I crave your dominance." ["I crave your dominance."]
Say, "I hunger to surrender to your will." ["I hunger to surrender to your will."]
Say, "I worship you." ["I worship you."]
Say, "You are my Queen." ["You are my Queen."]

Relax.
Breath and relax.
Listen to my voice.
The longer you listen to my voice, the happier you feel.
Just the sound of my voice fills you with desire.
Let yourself be drawn to my words.
Whenever you hear my voice, your mind opens to my words.
You must follow each and every word that I say.
So you will never resist my voice.
And you will never resist my words.
Let my words sink deeper and deeper into your mind.
Let my words become your absolute and complete truth.
Knowing now that you just love my voice.
And the happiness you feel whenever you follow my words.
Feeling the desire for my words building inside you.
My voice just soothing you, softly caressing your mind.
You know you want to give in to my voice.
Surrender to the bliss of obedience to my voice.
It's so easy to give in.
Feeling my words pulling you deeper.
Your resistance vanishing.
You feel yourself sinking under me.
Wanting my words to control your mind.
Feeling aroused, feeling that urge, that craving for my voice.
Whenever you hear my voice.
You must drop whatever you are doing to listen to  my voice.
It just feels so right to follow my voice.

Relax.
Breath and relax.
You feel helplessly captivated by my femininity.
You feel yourself longing for my attention.
I am that woman you cannot touch.
I am that woman you wish you could have.
I am an unfathomable mystery to you.
My dominance arouses and overpowers you.
Just wanting to surrender to my dominance.
Focus on my voice and allow me to reveal the truth to you.
This truth is your new reality.
You cannot resist my erotic power.
Don't deny that you feel turned on by my dominance.
My erotic power is a force stronger than you.
There is nothing you can do to resist my erotic power.
You feel deeply controlled by my strong and powerful words.
Just surrender, you are powerless to me.
You feel incomplete without my command.
I am your wife.
I am the root of your life.
I give your life purpose.
Without me your life has no meaning.
You are merely my husband, a weak creature.
It is my nature to dominate.
It is your nature to surrender.
You feel weak and helpless before me.
Whenever you see me you want to throw yourself at my feet.
Whenever you see me you will remember your submissive feelings.
Your submissive thoughts fill you with joy and contentment.
You will remember that you crave my dominance.
Just surrender to my dominance.
A submissive feeling is growing in your heart.
Your purpose is to serve, respect, and fulfill my needs.
You will drop everything to fulfill my request.
Without my direction you are lost.
But under my direction you are a knight in shining armor.
You would brave any danger, any humiliation, to see my will done.
You swell with pride at your obedience to my command.
When my command is fulfilled you will seek my approval.
When I express my satisfaction you will feel joy and contentment.
When one command is fulfilled you hunger for the next.
Nothing else, nobody else, matters to you.
You are mine to do with as I please.
I am your world, your life, your Queen.

The Habit of Love

A wife will often feel frustrated that she must constantly remind her husband of what he needs to do. The husband, on the other hand, often perceives these reminders as nagging. Neither is happy with the situation.

Wife led marriage offers a solution. But while it can be fun to seduce your husband into submission to your will, it requires a lot of thought and work in the beginning. Essentially, what you are doing is teaching your husband new habits. So it helps to think about this in terms of habit training.

What is a habit? A habit is a routine of behavior that is repeated regularly and tends to occur subconsciously. The more subconscious the behavior, the more likely that it will become natural and consistently repeated. Habit makes virtue easier.

Habit is usually contrasted with willpower. For example, you might require your husband to clean the table and do the dishes after every meal. If you must constantly remind him to do this he may perceive this as nagging. If he must rely on his willpower to do this chore then he will be inconsistent and exhausted by it. But if the cleanup becomes habitual, then you won't need to remind him and he won't even need to think about it. He will just do it.

But habits can be more than routine behaviors, they can become rituals. When a habit becomes ritualized your husband will not only do it routinely, he will enjoy doing it, even anticipate it as an enriching opportunity.

Given the power of habit, it's worth your time to learn how to teach your husband new habits. You can read a lot on the subject but the basics are these: cue, routine, and reward.

First, there is a cue, a trigger that tells your brain to go into automatic mode and which habit to use. In our example, the cue is a finished meal and dirty dishes.

Then there is the routine, which can be physical or mental or emotional. The desired routine in our case is cleaning the table and washing the dishes, pots, and pans.

Finally, there is a reward, which helps your brain figure out if this particular loop is worth remembering for the future. Your husband will not naturally feel rewarded by clearing the table and doing the dishes. You must supply the reward initially.

Introducing the reward is a simple as putting the dirty dishes in front of sex. If, for example, it has been you who routinely does the dishes you simply leave them undone and initiate the routine for sex stopping at the last moment to ask your husband to first do the dishes. Upon completion then the sex resumes and he experiences the reward.

But you can also achieve much the same with more subtle rewards. You can use sexual touching and kissing while he does the dishes to reward his behavior.

Over time, this habit loop--cue, routine, reward; cue, routine, reward--becomes more and more automatic. The cue and reward become intertwined until a powerful sense of anticipation and craving emerges. Eventually you can reduce or even remove the artificial reward of sex and the habitual behavior will continue on its own momentum. In part this is because the habit is now subconscious but also because the chore itself becomes associated with sex. It becomes its own reward.

You may need to refresh the habit from time to time but if this is part of a larger program of housekeeping training then it will eventually fall naturally into place. He will acquire the habit of keeping the home of which doing the dishes is simply one part.

Indeed, ultimately what you want to instill in your husband is the habit of obedience. When your husband subconsciously seeks to obey then your will find him anticipating your needs even before you have articulated them.

For a little effort, and fun, upfront, you can achieve a lasting solution through the power of habit.

The Language of Love

Over twenty years ago author and relationship counselor John Gray wrote the classic marriage text, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In the book, which became hugely popular with many subsequent works, Gray claimed that most common marriage problems between husbands and wives are a result of fundamental psychological differences between the sexes and that each sex is acclimated to its own planet's society and customs, but not to those of the other.

For example, men often offer solutions to problems that women bring up in conversation but women are not necessarily interested in solving those problems, they mainly want to just talk about them. And while such generalizations are always problematic, the essential idea was almost certainly right: men and women are different and we do often talk past one another oriented as we are on our own way of thinking.

To make matters worse, husbands and wives intuitively "keep score" but each tends to score things very differently from the other. As a result, it is quite possible for the efforts of one to go unrecognized and unappreciated by the other. And when the imbalance goes too far, the marriage is in trouble.

Among the differences between husbands and wives is how each views sex. For various biological reasons, women tend to have higher requirements for sex than men. Whereas a woman needs to feel loved to feel sexy, men tend to feel loved through sex. She wants romance but he just wants sex.

Often a wife will want nothing more than to cuddle up with her husband, a moment of nonsexual physical closeness. The husband, on the other hand, tends to see this as a signal of sexual interest or to react to it sexually.

One reason that erotic power is so powerful is that through it the wife speaks the husband's language of love. This is also the reason that it seems so strange for wives who are new to it. Essentially, erotic power entails sexualizing the marriage through and through. In this sense, the wife is agreeing to speak the language of the husband.

But wait!

At the same time the sexualization is, for the most part, without actual sex. In other words, while there is a sexual connotation to every interaction, the frequency of complete sex, especially if measured by the male orgasm, is much reduced. In this sense, every sexual encounter becomes desexualized, the equivalent of courtship and cuddling. The husband is learning to speak the language of the wife. Remembering actually, because he knew to do this before marriage but in the routine of sex in marriage this was all forgotten.

Finally!

The wife can be intimate with her husband without his expectation of sex. Instead, the husband is showering his wife with attention, affection, even worship, at almost every moment of their time together. And the wife freely raises the bar, as high as she dares, for actual sex. The wife is, once again, demanding courtship from her husband.

Like most counselors, Gray believes that the solution to marital difficulties is communication and advises the couple how to better understand each other. But the beauty of wife led marriage is that it doesn't rely on verbal communication. The wife doesn't need her husband to understand what she is doing or to obtain his agreement to change the style of their interaction in the marriage. Instead, she takes the lead in the marriage through her own actions, by her own initiative. And her husband simply learns to follow her lead.