Self Righteous Resentment

Usually in troubled marriages one, often both, of the spouses are nursing resentment against the other. There is, minimally, the perception by one that the other is shirking in one way or another. Often the marriage descends into a state where each is accusing the other.

A common example is the lack of sex in marriage, usually a complaint by the husband against the wife. The husband resents the wife's lack of interest in sex.

Very often the wife doesn't want to be intimate with the husband because she, herself, is resentful, usually because the husband is not pulling his weight around the house. Add to that the conviction, among many wives, that "times have changed" and so any man who doesn't carry his weight is a male chauvinist pig undeserving of any warmth or compassion.

While the above represent the most common examples, there are many more. What they all have in common is the human tendency to blame the other for our troubles. We are right, they are wrong, and anything we do is justified including having an affair or filing for divorce or just checking out and waiting for the other to take that step.

Once feelings are lost ("I'm not in love with you anymore") we hold on that much tighter to our self righteousness. At least I have my dignity, people will say to themselves as they walk into the divorce attorney's office.

Self righteous resentment will poison any marriage.

The antidote to self righteous resentment is to set aside pride and treat the marriage as a work in progress. Of course, it helps to recognize your own faults and to concentrate on them first. But very often spouses fail to take the initiative preferring, instead, a passive position until things fall to pieces and divorce seems inevitable.

Turn that resentment into a willingness to fix the marriage. No matter what. Wives, especially, can accomplish much simply by channeling that resentment into a determination to take charge and redirect the marriage in a way that suits them. By taking charge of the marriage to direct it where you want it to go ignoring all resistance from the husband.

Why Sexual Passion Fades

Sex therapist Dr. Marianne Brandon was asked in Psychology Today about the problem of married couples losing their interest in sex. Dr. Brandon notes that lack of sexual passion is the most common problem practicing sex therapists see.

What is the cause? She opines that the conventional wisdom, that it is the result of familiarity and boredom in marriage, is correct but incomplete.

But what the science shows is that our animal sexual brains crave an asymmetry of power in the bedroom. Women’s bodies still long to be sexually taken by a man who is capable of over-powering her with his strength, but chooses to love her. And men still crave a responsive, open lover—one who will enthusiastically follow his lead. The exquisite dance of sexual domination and submission remains an intoxicating element of love-making, in spite of our desire for equality in other aspects of life.

Equality is the problem. Asymmetry of power in the bedroom is the solution.

But I think Dr. Brandon, herself, has only a partial answer here.

The problem is not merely what goes on in the bedroom, that is too narrow a view. And the problem is not merely the equalization of power.

The reason that sexual passion fades is that married couples overturn the most important power asymmetry in their relationship. It is not the power of the man to take the woman as he pleases but the power of the woman to refuse him.

We call this asymmetric power dynamic: courtship.

And courtships does not begin in the bedroom, that is where it ends. It begins throughout the daily lives of the married couple. The husband pursues the woman and she, alone, decides when she will accept his sexual advances. The man is excited to pursue the woman and the woman is excited by his attention.

Restore courtship to your marriage and you will restore sexual passion.

5 Questions Every Young Career Woman Needs to Ask Herself

Most young women graduating from college think about the career path ahead of them. But there is a big difference between a young woman with a career and a young career woman.

For many women, their career only serves to employ them until they are married and ready to have children at which time they devote themselves to raising the family. Increasingly young women continue their career past childbearing in a two-income family but, even then, remain the primary childcare giver and, thus, subordinate their career. And there are those women who choose to remain single or who marry but never have children. These are all examples of young women with careers.

A young career woman, by contrast, is determined to pursue a career and have a family and to support that family by her career.

Are you a career woman? Ask yourself these questions.

1) Am I passionate about my career?

It's one thing to work at a job. Another thing entirely to pursue a career. To be passionate about your career means that it is important to you, part of your identity, something that consumes your thoughts throughout the day, at work or at home. In return, your career gives you a purpose in life, a sense of value. When someone asks what you do you are eager to tell them about it in every detail.

3) Will I earn enough in my career to support a family?

While passion for your career is important, it is not enough. There are many careers that don't pay well or which don't pay consistently. In order to start a family you must pursue a career that will pay regularly and adequately to support them.

2) Am I willing to put earning money before job satisfaction?

A corollary of the need to earn enough is that often you will face a choice between job satisfaction and earning more money. Typically this comes in the form of a job promotion. You might be entirely happy in the job you are currently doing, you may not feel you are ready to take on more responsibility. Nevertheless, you must find the courage to do so. If you have chosen a carer about which you are passionate then it will be less likely that you are promoted into a position that you hate. But you need to be honest with yourself about your priorities.

This also implies that you are constantly investing in your career and professionally reinventing yourself as necessary. Much of this comes with the job but you'll need to take responsibility for developing yourself, building the skills and relationships you need to move ahead.

4) Am I willing to marry down?

Let's be clear. Marrying down does not mean settling for less. By 'marrying down' I mean, simply, choosing a spouse who has lesser career ambitions and earning potential than you. You should have high standards when it comes to character, compatibility, and chemistry. But the more ambitious and successful you are, the less likely that you will find a spouse who also has an equal or greater career potential.

Are there men of good character but low career ambition? Absolutely. You will find such men involved in pursuits that do not compensate well or consistently such as music, art, and writing. The challenge is to sell this struggling artist on the virtues of family life and to persuade this him to pursue his interests part-time as a househusband. You may also find men of good character among those who lack a college degree and employed in low paying trades such as in the construction, retail, or service industries.

5) Am I confident enough to lead a marriage?

If you have the confidence to pursue a career and raise a family then you should have the confidence to lead that household. Attempting to share authority with your spouse will only lead to confusion and disappointment. Leadership skills are largely transferable between work and home. Leading in each strengthens your leadership in the other.

And leading at home empowers you to put your career first. That doesn't mean that you'll never leave work early to attend your child's school events. It does mean that your home life, where you reside and when you spend time with the family, is organized around your work requirements.

Make it clear to any potential spouse how you envision the family operating and don't waste time with men who value their ego more than they desire to start a family with you.